Homecoming: the drama never ends but the girls are always there

There's so much going on right now. i feel like I have so much going on that I'm walking on a balance beam just trying to keep up. I've been working out and adding on as much cheer as I can fit in to my schedule. Homeocming was last weekend and that was interesting. So Joe and I had this deep heart to heart and he told me he would be cool and actually acknowledge the fact I exist and I would do the same. Good enough. Until Friday I find out that kelly (kootch) doesn't want to meet me and he (hootch) doesn't want me to acknowledge that they are there. So I say fuck that I talk to who I want. And at the game that girl gave me so many dirty looks I could have smazked her bushy eyebrows and acne off her face, but I didn't because I have already fogiven her for all of this. I understand that she's insecure in their relationship and therefore doesn't want to meet the "crazy ex-girlfriend" but that's fine because whether she believes it or not, I don't want him back, I'm not a threat to her, and I'm happy that they are having a great time together. So even though I'm over and have grown up, before this realization I spit on his car (aka his most prized possession) and here are a couple of pictures to brighten your day =]

Homecoming itself was fun! Dinner before and kels's after were great, the dance however sucked! They left the lights on like we were in 7th grade. But we all looked hot and had a great time anway =]

a response to "put on your happy face"

I know I already posted once but I want to say something to a girl named Krista who wrote a post titled "put on your happy face." (march 28 2008).
Dear Krista-
First let me say it's amazing how far you've come in this short time. And now, isn't it funny that Joe ended up at Marshall. Look at all your worries!
1.He did find a girlfriend and everyone you know thinks you're way prettier than her.
2.You didn't fail the ACT, you uactually did quite well.
3.You have remembered you and him and you've cried, even recently, but you're doing so good.
4. everyone did ask but they helped pick your ass up off the ground and build you back up
5. you didn't cry at practice and if you did no one would blame you
6. You're obvioiusly not going to die and old frigid cat lady. you're talking to like 3 guys you freaking player
7. You had awesome dates to prom! A bunch of your friends!
8. I'm pretty sure you lost a bunch of clothes and yeah you're clothes don't fit because they're falling off your ass!
You're right, you have cried since you guys broke up and you're right, it's not because you want him back. I'm so proud of how far you've come and if you keep it up, baby you'll do amazing things
love
Krista

Game Day =]

Marshall game tonight! It starts at 7:30 and I can't wait! But game day has 2 meanings today. I'm back in my game. Back to real life not wisdom teeth life and it's great! I couldn't take one more day of that. I got up this morning and did 4 miles in the park running and walking. It was really good to get back into the swing of things. But man am i craving junk. After livin on milkshakes and mashed potatoes I'm wanting chocolate like crazy!
Josh and his room mate (they have an apartment) made breakfast this morning. 3 of his frat brothers came over too so it was fun. (thanks to the room mate and brothers). 2 of them were really cute =]. But ughh I don't know what to do about Josh! He's just so awkward! Like I can't handle it. I feel like I'm in middle school. Example: we're sitting on the floor against the couch and starts tickling me TICKLING me! Seriously? Then proceeds to try to put his arm around the couch and on my shoulder. So I sat up off the couch. That wasn't abou to fly. Then when he was trying to really put his arm around me I was like oh no this isn't gonna work and said "Hey I think it's time for me to go!" So he walked me to my car and I was gone. uggghhh.
So now I'm off to take a shower to look absolutely show stopping for this football game =]
Wish me luck!

Wisdom Teeth are killing my buzz

This whole wisdom teeth thing is really starting to get to me. It was okay living on smoothies and mashed potatoes for a couple of days but really? It's monday. I have a full week of things to do and I can't do any of it. I can't work out or go to cheerleading because the doctor said so and I can't even get through a whole day of school because I'm completely drained. This totally sucks. I'm so ready to just be back doing my thing, living life as usual. Anytime now... just waiting.
We are going to the Marshall game this weekend which I'm excited for. Josh, the cheerleader who's been trying to talk to me is trying to get together this weekend but I don't know what to do because for one thing it could really mess up my chances of making the team if i'm not careful and for another I can't really tell if I like him or not.
I did find a date for homecoming. And a dress. I'm going with a guy I know from Huntington. So yay for finding a date that's a positive.
That's about it really. Just trying to pull through this week. It's going to be a rough one. Can friday be here already?

A Bad Case Of The Blahs Gone Good Part II

You would never believe that almost the same thing happened this past weekend. Let me lay out the scene for you. It's second period on friday. I'm feeling good, ready to go to Huntington with kels Saturday morning. Nothing can rain on my parade - that is until a friend of Kels's has the conversation with her directly before second period
Friend: Are Krista and Joe back together?
Kels: no... Why?
Friend: Because his facebook status says in a relationship.
kels: Oh
So as soon as class begins Kels leans over and I swear this is the reason she's my best friend. She looks at me and says "Krista, Joe has a girlfriend and the only reason I'm telling you is because I don't want you to be alone when you find out." My heart stopped. I mean bordering dangerous to my life stopped. Then it started beating at Cardiac Arrest pace and I thought I was going to cry. "Squeeze." kels said as she held out her hand. But I caught my breath blinked a few times wiped off the tear that was eeeking its way out and said "Nahh then they'll all know we're lesbians." I do believe that is the only reason I made it through the day. By day I mean the end of 8th period because by the time I pulled out of the school parking lot I had lost it. After sobbing for a solid 20 minutes I pulled myself together long enough to get into practice. Then, of course, my mom saw me, asked me if I'd been crying and I started all over again. But my girls were so cute. At first they looked at me like "O my gosh, our coach is crying. Coaches cry?" By the time I came out of the bathroom and was ready to go they were stretching and instead of counting, they spelled out my name. They gave me a huge hug, we sang "Picture To Burn" and all was right with the world. At this point I had decided that retail therapy was incredibly necessary and I was certain that no one at the Marshall game was going to look as hot as I was going to. So I called Rachel, my go to shopping buddy and we hit the mall. I found all that I needed to look knocked out gorgeous.
Saturday morning, Kels and I drove 3 hours to Huntington and after a slight detour at the wrong exit, parked the car in the driveway and went bolting into the house, up the stairs and got ready. I put on my favorite white shorts that always make my butt look good and the green polo that brings out my eyes. It was perfect. I turned on my inner flirt and I was so ready to go. We spent the first half of the first quarter looking for Joe in the student section and when we found him we decided it was time to go hang out with the cheerleaders on the sidelines right in front of the sutdent section. According to Kels (because I was to busy trying to not pay attention to him) he completely ignored his girlfriend while she was talking to him and watched me the entire time. it gets better. Every time we saw him he looked absolutely miserable. The football team won the game and I won my pride.
The rest of the story is yet to come.

A bad Case of the Blahs Gone Good

So maybe I exagerated just a little. I've spent a little more time with people than I said I would be doing. And the funny thing is it's in the most unexpected ways. Friday night and Saturday night I was just feeling a little of and ended up having a great night.

Example 1: Friday night, first home football game. I was a little down since Joe was always the one I watched for 2 straight seasons and it was the first game since we broke up. So I cried, and realized I didn't want to go to the game nearly as much as I wanted to lay on the couch with a tub of triple chocolate Ice Cream and watch sad movies. But then I would have felt worse because I'd just feel like a fat loner. So I went to the game and flirtedwith one of my friends who apparently has a girlfriend =] oops ;]

Example 2: Saturday night, Movies With Rachel. We saw house bunny and it was great. I saw one of Joe and I's mutual friends that he graduated with and parked next to him. After the movie I ended up running into 3 OTHER people I knew. A couple of guys in my class who were totally drunk but hilarious. We hung out for a little while. I hadn't talked to any of those gus since like frosh year and then there was a new freshman girl who I absolutely love! So we went our seperate ways and Charles was still there so we talked for about an hour and I think we may hang out soon =]. Which will be fun after he tormented Joe by texting him while we were talking and telling him we hooked up. Joe was pissed.

But besides that I have decided that today is the day to finally weigh myself. I've been afraid to since back when I was gaining weight. I want to be down to 134 and when I did the math, I should be. So I'm blogging and getting some stuff for school while my breakfast digests.

My Year Spent As A Gym Rat

It occurred to me this weekend that my senior year will have absolutely nothing to do with the following: bonding with my graduating class, taking part in senior activities (with a few exceptions), making new friends I regret not making ealrier.

Instead my senior year will be spent: at least 8 1/2 hours in the cheer gym per week, 180 jumps in my basement daily, 4 hours of weight training and cardio per week, a few hours working somewhere, writing for my school paper, competing, traveling to Huntington to work out with the Marshall cheerleaders.

By definition I will be a gym rat; someone who spends almost every waking hour not spent at school dedicated to cheerleading. The more I think about this, the more ok I become with it =].

I have become more and more confident that if I push myself, I cannot fail. I am certain that I can do this if I really want it and that makes me truly happy =]

"That Gives A Whole New Meaning To The Term 'Cock Sucker'" And Other Clever Word Plays

The past days of vacation have been absolutely the kind of days you can't plan to be as fun as they are. I've spent countless hours in the sun, taken lazy afternoon naps, and eaten the most beautiful gourmet dinners in sexy little black dresses. There is a state of mind that I fall into every time I am here. The hours no longer matter and for that reason they pass oh so slowly in the lazy afternoon and fly past in the evening. A place like this is the kind of environment you know is healthy. When fresh fruit is the food of choice and laughter comes as easily as the sun in the morning there is no denying that I am in a happy place.
This morning it rained, a long soaking rain and when I woke up I was the first one awake. I decided that it was the perfect oppurtunity to sit and listen to the rain and start a new book. When I realized the rain was going to let up I jumped on the tread mill to pass some time and by the time I was done we realized that it was the perfect day for Mahjongg. So peggy came over and she, nana, and I taught Kels to play. By then the sun had come out and I swam a few laps before Kels and I headed to the beach to hear the drums at sunset.
Now I know the beginning of this entry sounds so unlike my normal writing style but it's like being in a dream here sometimes. It's so beautiful. Kels and Papa and I head back to Columbus tomorrow for all of the services for Grandpa next week (let the awkward-uncomfortable-frustrating encounters begin!). I'm dreading all of it but I try to remember to enjoy the time I have left. God, I feel so good here. It's like normal Krista times 10. It's refreshing. I think I may come back for a few days right before school starts.
I haven't been working out like crazy every day but most of the time I'm pretty busy and moving a lot so I end up getting plenty of exercise anyway. Today I got a good run. I laughed at myself this afternoon when I starting beating myself up for eating rice cakes and frozen yogurt. Seriously! Then I took a step back and was like WOAH! First of all you're on vacation and second of all, if that's the worst thing you're eating on forementioned vacation you're doing pretty damn good. I reminded myself that this vacation is about the memories and funny inside jokes (refer to title for example) that I will take from this week (along with lots and lots of pictures).

1. Sunshine
2. long walks on the beach
3. movies
4. cappucino chip forzen yogurt
5. all of the people on vacation with me

Make it Count.

Death Sucks. When people die it means awkward meetings with people you haven't seen in forever or maybe never even met. A death means a sudden change in plans. When someone dies it automatically makes a family gathering something to be dreaded. My grandpa died today. I never talked about him in my blog but he was great. He's been sick for a while and I've become familiar with words like Cancer, internal bleeding, ICU, tests, chemo. I knew he was going to die but not while I'm enjoying the highlight of my summer. Not on the day I was supposed to spend with Nana, Papa and Kels wandering our way through Epcot. But it did. Now there are events to plan and black out fits to be worn, flights to re arrange and vacations to cut short. I hate thinking selfish thoughts like these but it seems that I just can't help thinking things like, why now and couldn't you have waited. But when all that passes and I put on my big girl face I think about how much I can't stand watching my dad cry and how much I hate how touchy feely my sister gets when all I want is space (like continents away space...how about i just backpack my way to europe so i won't have to deal with it anyway). I think about how many people are going to line up and say "Your grandpa was a great man." I'm hsis grand daughter! Don't you think i FUCKING know that! Days will pass with people telling me all of the great things about my grandpa that I already knew. After I got over the shock this morning I realized that I now have 3 more days of vacation and I plan to pack as much into them as I can.
ANd through my cynicism of death I realized quite a romantic idea about life. It's about making it last and making every moment count. No longer can we say "Oh we can do that tomorrow" because we have 2 days less than we planned to do these things. It's not just about making sure I work out every day and always eat the right things. It's about feeling good and spending every moment with these people until I have to go back for 2 days of awkward family gatherings.
So this blog is dedicated as more of a toast to making every moment count.

To Best Friends Who Fit Your Family Better Than You

This vacation has proved to be one of the best ever. I was so worried that Kels would feel uncomfortable or we would butt heads. I thought maybe everybody wouldn't quite mesh. After 3 days here Kels seems to almost fit in with my Nana and her best friend than I do. It's so funny to watch them all talk. Yesterday we went out to lunch at this lovely restaurant that has (usually) wonderful food. As we sat there talking we got on the subject of books and being a former english teacher and a lover of books, my nana's best friend started talking about shakespeare. Kels dove right and off they went. I couldn't help but think "Why was Kels not born into my family instead of me?" My brilliant best friend who loves art and music and Shakespeare seems to have so much more in common with my nana than I do.
As for me fitting in workouts has proved to be no problem at all but certainly a pain in the ass. Nana's treadmill is so different from mine that the day we got here after finishing my run I felt like it was my first time. It sucks but it has to be done. By the time I get home my treadmill will seem like a cake walk. Every piece of clothing I have bought is a size 6 or small. That feels SO good! that means that I must be SMALLER than I was before. Today we're on our way to Orlando for our roadtrip to see Cirque. So I'm taking 3 days of no working out (prevented only by my promising kels i wouldn't bring my running shoes) and I hope I don't start going into convulsions. The weather is beautiful and I dedicate this blog to the rest of the week =]

A Toast To New Hairstyles and Little Black Dresses

2nd grade- I had a butch haircut after refusing to let my mother brush my hair. This one reflected my stupidity
3rd grade- When I went to summer camp for the first time I was forced into learning to do my own hair. I junked it up with every hair clip I owned. (Don't think i'm kidding. My mom bought a bunch just for camp.) Yet another disaster
8th grade- Thick, red, not tamed or styled. a lot longer. Now I was trying to be girly without effort or any clue as to how to do my hair.
Freshman year- Chopped it to right at my chin and straightened it for the most part. At 5'3" weighing in at 176 pounds and obviously no cheekbones, that was the worst idea I ever had. Even worse when I decided to started dating the ugliest boy in the world. I still cringe
Sophomore and Junior year- With some blonde highlights and my hair grown out to well past my shoulders, I looked pretty good. It fit the girl that I was becoming quite well. It was almost always styled and I learned to work with my natural curl.
SENIOR YEAR!- This past week I went to a new girl to get my hair cut at a new salon (my old girl was starting to do a shit job). She took off multiple inches so that my hair just hits my shoulders and added a lot more layers. I wasn't expecting a color change but when I said "You go ahead and just have fun. I trust you. Do whatever you want" she decided to jump on the chance to add a brighter blonde and tone it down with some of my natural red. So long story short my hair looks HOTTT!

The point of this timeline is that I realized after getting my hair done that it was more than just a haircut. It played an intrical part in me hitting a point in which I know I am doing something right. I know that I am on the right track and it is obvious as my physucal self becomes more attractive that my inner self is doing the same. I started running after spring break and what used to be run a lap, walk a lap (4 laps for 1 mile total: walking 1/2 running 1/2 = a struggle) is now over 2 miles. I'm growing by leaps and bounds.
Last weekend mom and I went to Huntington and I practiced with the team. Not just watched but actually got involved. And after staying with one of the girls (she's pretty much my cheer idol) I learned that she was once in my shoes EXACTLY! One saturday night with the team was all it took for me to realize "Oh yeah. This is it. This is my place."
Kelsie and I are headed to Florida tomorrow and I can't wait. Not only is it 10 days with my best friend but it's also kind of like a check point. 3 months ago I went down there a depressed unhappy overweight mess. Not suicidal and obese but enough to make me feel like shit. I'm going down there a new person. I found myself again. The Krista that wears size small little black dresses with red heals and lays out by the pool basking in the sun and shops for cute shorts not sweatpants. When I started this blog I was busting out of my clothes and and hated wearing my heals because it meant wearing something other than sweats. So with a new hair style, freshly waxed brows (they were looking bad....) and a new outlook, I'm SO ready for vacation.

1. new hair (unexpectedly)
2. goals
3. best friends
4. little black dresses
5. red heals

conditioning. a fear no longer

Conditioning. A word that used to scare the shit out of me.
Seriously. I would do just about anything to not have to condition. I didn't want to fail and look like an idiot. That all changed this summer. I have never applied myself so diligently to a task. Last night we ran back from the park and paused and started walking for a split second until I thought to myself "What the hell are you doing? Anyone can walk. That sure as hell isn't going to get you cheering in college." So I started running again. When I got back to the gym, by the time I had caught my breath we were conditioning. I was determined to keep going. I never stopped. My legs already hurt and i would have rather sat and watched but I knew, I KNEW that this pushed me so much closer to my goal. So even though I had to take 3 Ibuprofen after practice and I can't move this morning, I feel so right. I know this is what I should feel.
I started partner stunting again this week with my coach. I hit my chair sit Monday. It's the first time I've flown since last fall so getting it back in 10 minutes was pretty good. Now it's time to move on up.
Guess where I'm going this weekend???? MARSHALL!! Mom and I are going for summer practices and I can't wait. I'm staying with a friend of mine who cheers there. I'm so excited. Yesterday I went and bought some cute new sports bras and sports bra tanks. I'm so ready! I'll be there ALL weekend. I think it will be a nice mini vacation for mom as well. Summer is driving her nuts. my brother and sister are driving her nuts and I'm really glad she's coming with me this weekend. She and I have bonded a lot this summer.
So this week is going to be filled with hard practices since we're off this weekend and a nice weekend to unwind but also keep working hard =]

1. strong will
2. God
3. my older sister
4. tie dye hoodie i bought yesterday w/ my older sister
5. my niece =]

birthday parties, exhaustion, colorful sports bras, and fat girl mentality

We have a whole week to catch up on! How did that happen? Oh right, life got in the way of blogging. How crazy. Actually it was a pretty busy week. I spent a lot of time getting ready for new cheerleader camp which starts today =]! I love teaching camps. (Plus it's awesome pay...think like over $10 an hour). So I had to get everything organized for that last week. Plus running my own summer training shedule in there somewhere. I actually got honestly "exhausted" by the end of the week. But i'll tell you about that one later. Let's see, Monday was a good workout and straight up camp stuff the rest of the day until my session with my coach. In my ADDness I not only put there names on top of there sheet with all the cheers on it, I color coded them. So they have name tags that match. Yeah. I'm hardcore. No 2 girls have the same 2 colors =]. I spent my monday afternoon watching wedding shows on WE and doing that. OH! and they all got a sticker too! Still working on my back tuck. My mom thinks I have the "fat girl mentality" when I tumble. Which means I'm a not fat girl who thinks she's fat when she tumbles and lets it hold her back. My goal this week is to get over that. Tuesday was more of the same. We got timed for running but my friend molly and I walked a lot. I did .8 miles in 9 minutes and 58 seconds. Remember this number later in my blog. Wednesday was SO COOL! My older sister and I went over to a dam near our houses and walked 3.5 miles. It was actually pretty brutal. Then I had another session with my coach. At this point in the week, exhaustion was setting in slowly. My mom and I went to a new wholesale food store in our area. It was so cool! They had like all the good organic stuff and stereotypical health nut stuff. LOTS of fruit and veggies. That was so cool. It was like the greatest thing ever. Thursday I did another double day of trainer and practice. (Note of reference to self: Not a good idea when on period). By the end of practice I was SHAKING! So my coach wouldn't let me run which was kind of disappointing because I hate being the bum who gets left behind. But in the end it was for the best. Except I started stressing that I wouldn't be able to finish (we figured out how to make it a whole mile instead of just .8) You see when you're the slow fat kid in middle school the words "run" and "mile" used in the same sentence are enough to give you a panic attack. So I got home and literally cried because I was afraid I wouldn't be able to do it. I was going to run it the next day (Friday for anyone who has lost track) but my mother (who is often the voice of wisdom to my voice of impulse) said "Uh no, you're taking today off." So I did. (Against my will). Saturday morning I got up and drove to my gym. I got out of my car and my heart was pounding. I was so afraid. Even without the pressure of everyone else I still was afraid I couldn't do it. So I started running. And 9 minutes and 35 seconds later I finished. It turns out, I'm stronger than I thought I was. So I overcame my fear and now I do it everyday =]. OH! I also got a new phone on Friday finally! except the idiot didn't give me a charger but whatever. I've been chargin it in the computer b/c they gave me a USB instead. But yeah I got the Venus and it's PINK! I think it's awesome! And Kels and I went to lunch and ran errands. Oh yeah, I got colorful sports bras. Green (Marshall) Pink (favorite color). So we're closing in on the end of the week and therefore the end of my novel. Saturday I had the privelege of lifeguarding my 6 year old cousins birthday party. It was actually more like "Here, take your towel out and tan as you stare blankly at our children." because that's pretty much what I did. They were all so good. No one hit anyone, kicked anyone, drowned anyone, you get the idea. There were no injuries or tears. There was however, the annoying fat girl who asked me questions every 5 seconds. And my sister hung out with another annoying girl who was just weird so i left her alone. There were a couple of others but you'll have that I guess. Sunday we visited my Dad's side of the family. My grandpa's cancer came back and he's not lookin good so that was hard but we had a good time. That was pretty uneventful.
So it was a cool week and between fat girl mentality, exhaustion, cancer, and annoying children, the good still outweighed the bad

1. My older sister
2. tumbling
3. markers =]
4. Whole sale food store that was so cool
5. colorful sports bras =]

early morning blogging

so I just came in from trimming lettuce in the garden and decided to drop a line. it's been a pretty sweet weekend and now I'm sharing the office chair with my cat who has decided to occasionally dig his claws into my leg. About this weekend. It was pretty normal.
Friday I finally went to the pool after the trainer killed me AGAIN. I ended up not having to work at the gym Friday night so I stayed with my sister and her husband. Since I never get to see her it was really nice. Yesterday was graduation parties. The first one was one for this guy I'm friends with who I kind of made out with after I broke up with his best friend (Best friend is clueless). So he still wants me and is convinced that someday we will end up dating. The thing is, I'm totally not attracted to him anymore and he kind of creeps me out now. So that was awkward. The oher fun one was a family friend who is SUPER hot! There were some neighbor girls stalking him which was pretty hilarious. I watched them give me the death stare as I left because I looked WAY hotter than either of them did. I swear I'm not being stuck up. You should have seen these girls. Think junior stripper. So then I went home and got ready for another party which ended up being funnish awkwardish. You know those parties when the people that show up are just random and none of them are like all friends. That was what this was. But I looked really cute. Too bad there wasn't anyone there I wanted to impress. So today is waffles and Peanut Butter day =] My favorite. I need to find something for me and the little sister to do. So I will go make my breakfast and think about it.

1. my friend to save me from awkward grad party
2. my cute sundress i haven't worn since last summer
3. flip flops =]
4. my sister
5. the junior strippers that made me laugh

"it's like i'm running my own freakin 2-a-days!"

My first day of summer didn't go exactly the way I planned. I got a lot done though =]. I didn't get to go to whole foods but it's ok it was still an awesome day! I cleaned out my car in the mroning. Then at 11 I went and worked out with my trainer...who killed my core and glutes. It was hell.. but in a good way (if hell can be positive?...leave it to a cheerleader...) So then I came home and made a gourmet looking lunch of jerk chicken breast sauteed asparagus and some green grapes. It was deliecious =]. So after THAT I iced the cupcakes for my brother's lacrosse banquet and piped the teams numbers on them. But that was only my day before 2:00. I then proceeded to my grandparents house to drop some things off and do some more planning for Kelsie and I's trip to Florida. After I left there I went to the grocery store, ran home and unpacked everything. Funny side story about the grocery store. 3 cars got into a honking match for who was going to et my spot...BEFORE I even pulled out! And that's 3 cars other than the 3 that stopped in front of my spot ehile I loaded my car and looked at me like "Uhhh are you going to hurry up so I can have your spot?" To which I looked at them in response "uhhh no, because there's plenty of other parking spaces your lazy ass can have." So after the grocery store madness, I sat on the couch for like 1/2 an hour and then...I went to the practice of my life. It was the hardest practice I've ever had but I pushed through it better than I EVER thought I could. First of all, it's at least 10 degrees hotter in the sheet metal covered gym than it is outside. Plus the air doesn't move. at all. So we started with a 10 minute run outside, which i finished before many people on my team. Then we went through practice as normal. We did this stunt and I got to do the really fun strong person part =] It boosted my ego. The we did jumps and sanding tumbling which made me want to throw up and made my head pound. It was the worst part of the whole night. Then we switched off conditioning and running tumbling. I had to condition before running tumbling which wasa total bummer. Then we did abs at the end which I had already done a shit load of so needless to say it pretty much killed.
WHEW!!! That was hard jut to type! So today I'm feeling hitting the pool. That really sounds good. but since it's only 8:30 and none of my friends are up yet...I'll have to wait and txt them later. So I'm going to grab some breakfast and get my day started =]

1. 2 killer wourkouts in one day
2. not being as sore as i thought i would
3. a little quiet time in the morning
4. my day planner
5. breakfast =]

Summer begins =]

It's officially summer vacation =] I had my last finals today. Marketing and Algebra 2 trig. I suck at math. So of course it was my last final but I studied hard and did the best I could (barely passing). My marketing final was only hard because my teacher doesn't actually teach (imagine that...teaching the material.)

I'm sooo excited for summer. There is so much I want to do. By the end of this week here is my to do list:
1. clean out my car
2. put all my school uniforms away for the summer
3. finish my first book
4. go to the park =]
5. go to the pool
My schedule has been hectic but it's been good. Being busy keeps me focused and keeps me moving.
I will have been at the cheer gym everyday this week. practices have been going really well and I can really see improvements in myself and the whole team. It's funny because I come home from practice with so much energy and my parents think I'm like on speed.
The sunpoisoning is getting better. I didn't think it blistered but I was very wrong. Apparently it did. So everytime i touch it like when it itches blisters pop and it's freakin gross!
J called me monday and i didn't talk to him for more than 5 minutes. Other things seemed more important and then he texted me last night and i was like oh cool whatever. I think I'm really almost over him or maybe completely. it's nice. I feel really free and I kind of feel bad for looking at it like that but oh well.
Well I'm going to get started on the to do list. Tomorrow I think I'll clean out my car and maybe take a field trip to Whole Foods. The closest one to me is like 1/2 hour away. We'll see what happens. Well happy summer =]
1. summer =]
2. senior courtyard
3. end of algebra 2 trig for good!!!
4. cheer today
5. 2 a day workouts =]

sun poisoning and saying goodbye

Happy Beautiful Sunday Morning =]
I'm sitting here enjoying 2 toasted kashi waffles w/ peanut Butter and a hot cup of coffee. (My typical Sunday Breakfast) On this no bread thing, I always allow myself to have whole wheat waffles on Sunday. Today I will also be allowing myself copious amounts of aloe and sleep. Sunpoisoning has attacked my upper body from Graduation yesterday, It's terrible! I also realllly need to study for finals. I picked up my bowl that I painted at that place where you can paint pottery with fun things that ADD people like for an outrageous price. So it's going to be a bowl I fill with little challenges to do when I'm bored this summer. They all are something productive to me reaching all of my goals. I thought it was pretty brilliant.
Graduation yesterday was crazy. I went to J's afterward and it just hit me. This is all over. It's never going to be the same again. We'll never walk to another class holding hands or sneak a kiss by my class room. I'll never run into the end zone after a football game looking just for him. Everything that we were was built around my high school. We met there at a track meet, he asked me out at his car there. I surprised him after 2 a days there. When he goes to college it's really going to be difficult. So today, it's church (in a t-shirt because my arms and chest and face hurt), studying (ewwww), a light work out (probably take a walk and do some toning) and a couple grad parties (yay =])

1. aloe
2. waffles =]
3. my bowl
4. my friend S
5. end of school year

"Kelsie wait, give me another 5 minutes to get up the stairs."

It's Friday Already! I can't believe it. With memorial day on monday this week just flew by! It's been a really busy and really productive week.
My first finals were today. My first exam was chem. I seriously looked at it and asked it (silently or people might stare) "Are you really my exam? You are the test of everything I have learned this semester? This has to be a joke!" needless to say it didn't answer back, but it did prove to be the easiest ecam in the history of the world. My spanish exam however was at the opposite end of the exam spectrum. It wasa joke in another sense. it was I M P O S S I B L E! imposible (impOsiblay) if you will (spanish for impossible). I will be happy if i passed it.
Overall it as been a splendid week. Practice has been pretty tough and I've gotten in some awesome workouts. Wednesday night I did a really difficult leg work out and of course last night my coach decided it would be perfect if we did conditioning circuits, featuring a grueling leg circuit. So today my legs hurt to the touch. Serious pain. But surprisingly when I went to the gym to tumble with my coach today, my jumps were pretty high and my tumbling was tight. I was impressed. SO then I came home and being the smart (not so much) and dedicated (more like crazy) cheerleader that I am, did 20 jumps in my front yard with ankle weights. So now I am off to clinics with my little 6th grade girls. It's their last night =]

1. lunch with kelsie
2. easy chem exam
3. advil
4. hot shower
5. 6th graders =]

finals, summer and boycotts

Well the most stressful and hellish week of the year is over. I didn't make my school team but I'm really glad i didn't. To put it bluntly if you have skills and morals you're screwed. but if you sleep with everything that wears pants, get drunk and/or high every weekend you're epretty much set. You think I'm being bitter and unfair? I WISH!
You know if I put half the effort into studying for my finals (that start in 2 days) I probably wouldn't fail my algebra 2 trig final. I guarantee it's going to happen. Last semester I got a 60%. Cheerleading just came before studying. I only have one more day of actual classes and then 4 days of finals and I'M DONE!
Oh and if I haven't told you yet, J is going to Marshall for sure. He graduates this weekend. Since he doesn't have to be here for class he's been bringing me lunch. Today he's bringing me a salad from my favorite greek restaurant.
I'm almost back into my summer clothes again =] I swear this weight is melting off of me like butter on a hot knife.
Life is really good right now. I honestly can't complain. I'm really excited for summer. Kelsie and I go to florida in 40 days! It's going to be sooo crazy. I may have to buy a new memory card for my camera. it's a strong possibility. So yay for life =] The only thing I can complain about is the stupid whores who get rewarded for acting like idiots with a spot on Varsity. So many families have boycotted by no longer donating money to my school, including mine.
Well, I should finish a paper and start studying for finals but studying for finals is quite frankly against my religion. It's just never going to happen. So I will ace my easy classes and fail or barely pass the rest. Can I get an Amen from the congregation!

1. sun =]
2. J for bringing me lunch
3. farmers market
4. vacation countdowns
5. 5 days of school left

tryouts

It's try out week. Clinics haven't even started and i'm stressing already. It's ridiculous. Oh and i have two term papers, finals, and all my friends are graduating. FUCK! I"M STRESSING! Like seriously they should medicate me. Thank God I'm not menstrual or we would have bigger fish to fry. But I am presently mending a broken heart as i tyoe so good bye it's more important

front tumbling and matching outfits

Today I made myself stop working on a term paper to update you on the day since I have been neglecting the blog. So now I'm taking 5 minutes to clear my mind and finish my sugar free rockstar (i swear it's the only way for a menstrual girl o make it through 3 1/2 hours of practice.) Tuesday was like one of those practices that pretty much made me feel like i suck at life. I just was not on top of my game I guess.
So there's this thing called a suicide (not the kind where you go all emo and kill yourself), it's a tumbling move where you basically do a front tuck (front flip in the fetal position, forward over your head) except you land on your hands and your butt. Well I have this thing with flipping forward...I DON'T LIKE IT! In fact I don't like front tumbling in general. I don't even like FORWARD ROLLS!!!! So I need to get one by November which pretty much needs I need to grow a pair and just throw it. I'll let you know how that works out.
School try-outs start monday. I have this tradition and it goes something like this. The floor of my room directly under my windows will be neatly lined with each and every out fit (including matching ribbon) that I will wear for clinics and try outs. I have done it since I can remember. Everyone I've ever cheered with always waits in anticipation to see what I will do next. I'm telling you...it's intense.
So wish me luck. And keep me in your prayers.

she's back people!

Well saying I haven't posted in a while would be an understatement. A lot has been happening and over all it's all been good.
1. My weight problem = solved
2. J and I = getting back together possibly?
3. cheerleading = working my ass off
4. school = almost over

1. So we went and talked to my doctor about this whole situation and he didn't put me on medicine like I had hoped but he put me on a special diet instead. At first I was pretty pissed and upset but it's actually really cool. I don't eat bread and grains except for multi grain cheerios, oatmeal, and granola. I can have whole grain pasta once every ten days but as yet i haven't had any. It's been about 2 weeks and i alread look and feel better. My size 8 clothes actually fit. Im no longer barely squeezing into them. I have so much more energy. I had stopped working out as much but now i'm back to a busy work out schedule
Monday: 1/2 hour tumbling w. coach
tuesday: 3 hour practice
weds: coaching / workout with trainer
thurs: 3 hour practice 1/2 hour tumbling with coach
friday: coaching and something light (if not it's my day off)
saturday; day off unless i don't do anything friday
sunday: hour - hour and a half workout cardio/weightlifting
So in that area things are fantastic =]

2. I've been helping J with this big project he has to do so we've been talking more and hung out a couple of times. It's really nice. We talked on the phone the other night for like 2 hours and realized that we both still have feelings for each other. We've kind of been friends with benefits for a while and now looking at the possibility of getting back together =] Can I just say that I missed kissing him more than I thought

3. The 2008-2009 cheer season is in full swing. I'm getting ready for school tryots as well. I really didn't want to try out again (I got cut the past 2 years because of the last name politics game that is my small catholic high school) but i figured i might as well give it a shot. We now have 3 hour practices and that allows for a hell of alot more conidtioning. At first it kicked my ass but it's gotten easier. i feel like i'm getting stronger every practice. I'm super excited for this season. we hae a really good team make up and we're already super close and we have only been practicing for like a month =]

4. School is almost over thank heaven. my grades dropped last quarter but i've brought them back up. I'm so ready for summer. It's gonna be the shiznit home skillet.

So now that life is out of my dark black hole and I am moving onto bigger and better things I am a very happy Krista. That old annoyingly perky Krista. I missed her =] Sorry to have abandoned this lovely blog

I have A Dream

I am writing today's entry from Huntington West Virginia. The home of Marshall University's Thundering Herd. We're staying at my grandparents house. Just me and my mom and it's really been like a mini vacation. This weekend was try outs for cheerleading and guess who got to take it all in? Me =]. It was amazing to see and I am soooo excited to try out next year. It all made sense. I could see it right in front of me. I could see myself practicing on that mat, in that gym. I COULD SEE IT! I have never wanted anything more in my life. Ask my mother and she'll tell you. I can see myself in that uniform, stunting on the sidelines, rockin the fight song, taking pictures with little kids, going to events. I can see myself practicing my hardest and conditioning and everything. It may sound stupid but I have dreamed of this for a long time.
Things are definitely turning around. I'm getting my confidence back. Going to the doctor tomorrow to see what he says about my thyroid. I'm hoping he'll just put me on soemthing to regulate it. I think I've actually lost a couple pounds. I noticed I've been eating less and my clothes are fitting better already. Now I've never been a big eater to speak of but I've definitely noticed a change for the better.
Kelsie got to go to New York this weekend to see the pope. I still haven't heard anything about it but I'm sure it was amazing. The closest I've gotten to the pope was being in the Vatican. That was an amazing experience. Apparently she got to see the pope mobile and she's bringing me back a magnet. =]
I know you're probably really tired of hearing about J but things have gotten ugly. They say all is fair in love and war and I can't tell if it's love or war. But it's been nasty. Messages, stares, just plain being mean to eachother and it makes me sick. It truly makes me sick. I was laying on the couch last night flipping between the Wedding Date and Remember The Titans and it was so weird. I just kept thinking about him. You see, he came down with us for a football game last year and we stayed there over night. The night we stayed there everyone forgot we were in there and we just layed there until almost dawn, talking and kissing and whispering and sharing and dozing off and waking up content knowing we were together. It was one of the most amazing nights of my life and one of the highlights of our relationship. I remembered it so vividly and I just began to cry. How did we go from that to this? It breaks my heart and makes me sick.
But I won't dwell on it because it is a beautiful day and I am off to go shopping before dinner with the cheerleaders tonight. I only brought sweats and stuff so I get to go shopping for a cute outfit =]

1. beautiful weather
2. tryouts
3. steff =]
4. peanut butter
5. my mom

GO HERD!

"Does Somebody have a case of the Mondays?"

We have a lot to catch up on! The ACT went pretty well on Saturday (minus not finishing math and not understanding one word of the science.) I did really well on the english and reading and I think I did alright on all of the other parts.
The girls did so awesome at competition on Sunday! It was so exciting to see them perform and have them be so enthusiastic about showing off what their hard work earned them. They got 3rd palce out of 3 but they competed against only 7th and 8th graders and no one at the competition could believe that they were all 5th graders. NO ONE! But they did get most spirited which had always been my mom's favorite award. They were realyl excited.
We found out what teams we're on next year for all stars. I'm on senior co-ed. I was pretty excited but I'm too old to go on any other team so I wasn't exactly nervous in the first place. First practice of the season tomorrow night. I'm telling you people we never stop. Now instead of having practice on sundays we have 3 hour practices instead. That's one less day a week, same amount of practice time. I'll let you know my opinion on that in the next blog.
Do you ever have those days that everything is cool, fine, average and then something or a series of things just screws it all up? Welcome to my monday! It was perfectly fine until
1. I got my report card (3.2 gpa...really low for me)
2. nutritionist appointment got my results back
3. today would have been j and I's official year and a half
So to elaborate on these
1. my grades are normally like between 3.6 and 3.9 so for me that sucked and I'm going to get lectured I'm sure
2. I have under active thyroid, high cholesterol, and lots of other issues. They want to stick me on vitamins galore and straight up veggies and protein. I pretty much feel like SHIT! THey put people who live off of fast food on diets like that. Not normal teenage girls.
3. that's kind of self explanatory. It made for a kind of awkward day and lots of memories and what not. I know who he wants to ask to prom...that kind of sucks too. Jesus Christ I'm going to die fat,ugly, stupid and alone.
So that's that. Maybe the fact that I'm pmsing has something to do with my self loathing mind set. Probably but for now it's not going anywhere.

blessings are going to be hard today:
1. that the ACT is over
2. that we're on our way to figuring out my issues?
3. I'm alive...kind of
4. A year and a half ish with J
5. nasty giant eagle salad bar salad?

sugar cookies = love

Well things have definitely been interesting. In the past week we have had a family crisis after coming in second at nationals. We basically got screwed (Nuts and bolts, nuts and bolts, WE GOT SCREWED!) Withough using ttechnical terms, the other team complained that we didn't lose points that we should have so they deducted some points and that dropped our score, obviously. I learned about this family issue while at competition. I don't think I can really share that one at this point. I don't know, I just don't feel right about it.
We had our cheer banquet tonight! It was delicious. They had te most amazing sugar cookies I've ever had in my life! You know the frosted kind? Yeah, they should be illegal along with crack and ecstasy and what not. We have clinics tomorrow night and I'll be trying out then as well since my Saturday is PACKED! it loosk like this:
8:00AM-1:00PM: ACT (kill me now)
5:30: quick stop at Planet smoothie for my friend's birthday (since there is no room in my schedule to go to the rest of her party)
Later: driving to ashland for my girls competition on sunday

Speaking of their competition...My 5th graders are competing on sunday. They are getting really excited and I am excited for them. As excited as I am, I'm also getting so frustrated! I know that they can do better and really practice harder and I feel like I'm not getting their all! I know every coach struggles with the same things but I just want them to do well sooo badly.

In general life is really good. This blog is really amazing me how much it clears my head and changes my perspective...=]

1. sugar cookies
2. pretty dresses
3. pictures
3. my 5th graders
4. my family (mom's side in paticular)
5. curling iron

If a number 2 pencil is so awesome...why is it #2?

....BECAUSE WE'RE NUMBER 1!!!!!!!


I am exhausted. Today was the first day of Nationals and our Senior Co-ed team (my team) is in FIRST! By 20 points! (alot)! This is huge for us. We get an automatic bid to worlds which is sweet. it has been such a long day and I am ridiculously tired. So I've got my uniform off and now I'm just chillin in my sweats. It's been a surreal day and I'm so happy I could post and share it with you =]. But I'm way too tired to keep typing and it hurts to lift my arm. I am so bruised I look like a dalmation =]. It's crazy.

1. Planet smoothie
2. a bad warm up = awesome performance
3. first place =]
4. S (girl on my team who carpools with me)
5. a really fun group of people.

"there's a fine line between dedicated and crazy and you're flirting with it" - Remember the TItans

So I just left the hardest practice of my life. 2 hours of non stop stunting and routine running. We have nationals all this weekend. Our last competition of the season. So by 10 we were all dying and kept going for the next half hour. I swear that was the dumbest thing our coach could have done because things went down hill fast and wouldn't turn around. But before that we've been looking really good. I'm really excited for this weekend. As a team we have grown so much and made so many bonds. It's amazing and I wouldn't trade them for the world. We have gotten so much better. Our tumbling has improved , our flyers have gotten more confident. Single twosts are now solid doubles and arabesques are scorpion arabesques. (I know most of you are thinking "what the hell is this chick talking about?" but just go with me here.) basically we've just gotten better all around. Personally there are still things I need to work on. My tumbling needs to get kicked up a notch and my jumps need some work but my endurance is up and I'm way stronger than I was during summer practices and definitely last season. So I'm feeling really optimistic about this weekend.=] Plus I found a lucky penny so that's sweet. I haven't talked to B in the past couple of days. Who knows, maybe I won't hear from him ever again but it was fun to be able to flirt again. I did miss J a little today. I still remember why I broke up with him and I'm not considering getting back together but there was a big hit of nostalgia today. I drove by his house on my way home. (even though it's slightly out of the way.) It was a pretty ok average day splrinkled with some wicked sweet moments and some trying ones too. I worked an event for young kids at my cheer gym tonight. Their parents pay a certain amount and the kinds come and play games and eat pizza and watch movies and stuff. It's actually really cool. There were some really adorable little kids and it seems like all of the little boys just attached themselves to me all night. (think 7 and under...ADORABLE!) My question is whay can't they stay that sweet and affectionate and honest and just plain adorable??? WHY MUST THEY GROW UP??? Or really the opposite...they're much sweeter when they're younger. So now I must go to bed and layer my body with ice aftr taking large amounts of muscle relaxers. That should take the edge off... This blog is dedicated to crazy cheer coaches

1. The shkels and Shkris summre extravaganza list
2. 106.7
3. neon poster boards
4. little boys
5. parties in kroger

breaking hearts and cheering hard

Happy High Five Thursday =]! (something my english teacher does). So I can tell J is really hurting. He's gotten childish and he's trying to ake me mad by doing things like getting rid of everything marshall on his facebook and requesting a bunch of girls that are going to alabama as friends and joining an anti-marshall group. The sad part is I don't think he realizes how childish it makes him look. I mean this is like middle school level stuff here. It's really sad things had to be like this.
In other news, B and I are still talking. I gave him my number in a facebook message today. So I guess we'll see how things go.
Preparing myself for 2 1/2 hours of hardcore non stop "DO IT AGAIN!!!!" practice tonight. It'll be worth it after all is said and done. Man I just realized last night that this is the last competition for a lot of the seniors on my team this year =[. That's a real bummer. We're a really freakin tight team so it will be sad to see them leave. Started looking at other school to cheer at. It's still marshall #1 and now Dayton #2. They have 2 all girl teams!!!! That would be sooo much fun. It's crazy that I base my colleges of choice off of cheerleading but it's the truth =] It's my life.
Today wasn't quite a musical but still a good day. Can you believe it's Thursday? I think this week is flying by!

Don't Let The Door Hit Ya Where The Good Lord Split Ya

Remember that girl that about a week ago was wondering where her real self went? The girl who completely wasted her Spring Break crying over a stupid Boy? SHE'S BAACCCKK!!!! The real me that is. Monday was pretty tough until something clicked. Monday night and Tuesday morning. I remembered why I broke up with him.
1. He was a jerk
2. he was possessive
He sent me a message saying how much he missed me. It was really sweet but I don't know...if you've ever heard the song "Picture to Burn" by Taylor Swift, that's kind of how I'm feeling now.
So all week he's been trying to get me to talk to him after he was trying to be all touchy feely on Monday after school. I was like ummmm NO! So believe it or not this butterfly has come out of her cacoon. It's a miracle! Oh and hot airplane boy? What ever came of that? Nothing right? I dropped that at the airport...PSYCHE! I actually found him on facebook and he commented me and we've been commenting back and forth ever since. So cross your fingers ladies because I need a date for prom. Say a few prayers. Hell say the whole dang rosary. Not only is he cute...he's catholic, Republican AND going to Miami Ohio for business. =] He played football and soccer. SOOOOO cute.
Well practice has been killer this week and I have been really sore. Went to the gym last night to jog a couple miles before practice. We have nationals this weekend and i'm totally psyched. We've been working super hard and our routine has definitely been coming together. I'm feeling good feeling good! Jesus come to think of it I feel like a freakin musical.

1. iTunes =]
2. Kelsie (meet K...i now have permission to use her name =])
3. sunshine
4. my mom's london broil....yummmm
5. ORANGES!!!

p.s. thanks shkels =]

home is where the heartache is

I'M HOME =] It's been a travelicious day and I am finally home. Alot has happened since I posted yesterday. And OF COURSE it has to do with J. He called me last night. In the middle of chatting away with My mom, aunt, nana. her best friend, and other good friend (this is so complicated when you are trying to avoid using names!) he called. I wasn't even expecting it. And at the time I really wasn't happy about it. But God he still makes me melt. His voice still drives me nuts. he's still where I am most comfortable. So I answered relucatantly thinking it would be a short phone call and then the world would go on as normal. OH how wrong was I!!!!

HE: Hey, I read your blog
ME: and...
HE: explains that he saw how upset I was and continued to explain that his sister set up the date and he still has to get a bunch of money to go to Alabama...basically being the old J that I started dating.
ME: reduced to a puddle
HE: What's really bothering you?
ME: sniffle sniffle
HE: silence
ME: all of it...it's just so hard
HE: you know if you wouldn't have broken up with me that night...
ME: don't...just don't
HE: you would have gotten an apology
ME: I know, but you and I both know that's not enough and this has been going on longer than just that
We continued to talk about how we both remember things and how awkward prom is going to be. I promised him a slow dance and I thought about that slow dance today on our first flight. I played it out in my head and he kissed me again. I miss that. I miss that alot. Just the simple kisses , the light and feathery ones that were like a secret being told between childhood crushes. We talked about how hard it would be to see eachother with someone else. I really didn't say much for most of it. I was a bit emotional. But long story short, I was wrong. I DO miss him. I DO wish we were back together. I also know that we would kill eachother and we would both be un happy. He would have a harder time making college decisions, I would have a harder time making decisions about my senior year. But I'm still hoping and praying he'll go to Marshall. I know that he's in love with Alabama. I'm just hoping so much that maybe when I go to college, maybe there will be some chance for us. I still want him in my future. As the J that I have always known and always loved. Before he hung up he said "love you" like I knew he was going to and I squeaked out a "you too" as best I could.
How do you know you made the right decision? How do you know? So I sat on the back lanai with all 5 of those women and cried. I cried and cried and cried. And they all listened and they all undrestood and shared their stories. All except my mom. She's the one I need right now. I need her to look me in the eye and say "Krista I love you and you are beautiful. You are enough just he way you are." I need someone I love to say that. I need to know that I am enough. So after this I went to bed. I laid in bed for a while as I fought another panic atttack (you do not want to be in my head when that happens.) It sounded something like this
-he'll forget me
-i won't forget him
-i'm going to feel like this forever
-they won't solve this problem as to why i'm gaining weight
-i'm going to break down like i did before my freshman year
-my mom is going to be so mad at me for freaking out like this
-i'm never going to be normal again
-he's going to go to college and find some gorgeous girl and fall in love with her and they will live out all the plans we made
-those dreams will never come true.
-none of my dreams will come true
...
so I slept in my nana's room. I was asleep in 10 minutes and slept til 12:15 (i've been up by 9:30 every morning). I hate being inside my own mind. It's a scary place. So I have decided to write out all of my irrational fears and how they will get fixed/aren't that bad so that I can refer to it when i flip my lid.
Our day of travel was interesting. My aunt almost had a heart attack on our first flight. We hit a bunch of turbulance and she FLIPPED! She hates any bumps and this was really bad. She shook and her eyes got big. It was a little scary. At the Atlanta airport I got and extremely mediocre turkey sandwich that I inhaled because I was STARVING! Then, on the plane I sat next to this guy named Ben. Ben is a senior in highschool and really really cute. The funny thing is, as attractive as he was and as much fun as he was to talk to, I couldn't even bring myself to think about dating him. The thought never even crossed my mind. The thoughts were more like this:
(him talking about going to college next year)
"I'm going to Miami (I went there with J when he wanted to go there (contemplates the trip and the kiss under the miami mergers tunnel)) for business. (we start talking about sports) I'm going to play intermurals (J wanted to do some intermurals) I'm thinking soccer, football (Oh football games) and maybe some that I never got to play like tennis and volleyball. Oh an broomball (We watched the guys playing brromball at the ice rink)
And that my friends is only a taste. Flirting is all well and good and it was nice to get back into it a little and realize
a. I still have the ability
b. I'm not to ugly and fat to have someone flirt with me
it was a nice boost for the 'ole ego but I swear if i thought of J one moretime today I could be considered a stalker. The random guy in the marines shirt, j has a marines shirt, it was really soft, he wore it when we first started dating and carved pumpkins with my family, choke back tears. I want my life back!!!! I walked in my room and melted. There were pictures, his clothes i have to give back, his football buttons, the bear he gave me (that I will keep forever) the necklace he gave me for my sweet 16 the day he asked me out, memories, it was all there. I wrapped myself in his sweatshirt and tried to imagine him there. I held onto that bear and cried into the top of its head.
I don't understand this. I'm stronger than this. I don't get like this. Looking at my five year old cousin who wanted to marry him hurt. Looking at my dog who adored him and he adored hurt. On the top of my laundry pile was the thong I bought at American Eagle that I got because he liked it when he went shopping with me. So my best friend G who went through the same thing last year with his girlfriend who he had to break up with for all intents and purposes is coming over tomorrow to give me some to cry to and someone to hug. So, for anyone reading this, I hope it wasn't too awkward my pouring my heart and soul out to you. For the record, I feel much better =] Thank you!

1. My nana for giving me this little medallion with a prayer on it that she had made for my papa when his mother died and for understanding
2. G for being so very empathetic
3. this girl K (not bff K) that was in my small group for the amazing e-mail she sent me after reading this
4. the airport, for exptremely average nourishment
5. S (nana's good friend) for using the platitude that everyone hates "this too shall pass" as she said "I know you'll hate me for saying this but it's so true" and it is.

put on your happy face

Me and my friend K have this thing we call our happy face. It's the face we put on when something's wrong and we don't want anyone to know. When we don't want to make an issue out of what's going on. The only other person who can really tell when I put on my happy face is K. So I woke up this morning and felt pretty good. A little tired, a little foggy without my allergy pill and my cup of coffee (I am Cruella DeVille without my coffee...I was the inspiration for her character actually.) It was going to be a great day =]. The conversation with J (ex) had gone well last night. Not nearly as awkward as I was thinking it would be. He left me a message on facebook that was really sweet. I figured we had really gotten some closure. I thought it was really nice. We could be pleasant and things would be ok. But they ended up just starting in motion a whole chain of events. Before I say anything else let me say this: DAMNED BE FACEBOOK!!!!!! I found out 2 things that kind of ruined my day:
1. He's going to alabama for sure
2. his sister found him a date for her college sorority formal.
So all of a sudden I was pissed and I was hurt and I was jealous and I jut wanted to cry. But what did I do instead? I put on that happy face and faked it. I was completely ok... ( even though I was wiping away 2 tears that had sneaked out and taking deep breaths to make my chin stop quivering...really I wasa mess) This was probably around 11:00 am. I did sooo good. There were at least 5 times I was attacked with memories, and thoughts and worries like that boxing ring analogy I used earlier. I was taking the hits and standing back up.
So as my mom was finishing our Amazon order for the ACT review book I started this conversation
Me: He's going to Alabama
She: GREAT!
Me: Lauren found him a date for her sorority formal
She: I'm sure she did!
Me: Yeah...
She: Good Riddance! FEEL THE CRIMSON ASSHOLE!!!
(can you tell he's not her favorite person.)
Me: yeah...
She: Isn't that a good thing?
Me: shrug, chin quiver
She: aww baby *Hug*
Me: tears
She: what an ass hole...you know he did it on purpose...he's showing his true colors sweetie. He's not worth your time...etc. etc.
Me: more tears...I know I know it's not just that. It's me being a girl and getting over it all...it's just hard.
She: I swear I'm going to send your dad to kick his ass.

Can you see why I love my mother??
The funny thing is after our conversation last night I was really thinking things were going to be ok. We could be friends again. I knew after talking to him we weren't going to get back together. (thinks for a second) Maybe I should tell you why we broke up in the first place. Well it's a bit complicated...things have been rough for a while. We used to be the couple that everyone thought would get married after attending the same college. In fact we had pictures taken for our 1 year anniversary and people seriously said we should use them as engagement pictures when we got engaged. We were basically your perfect couple. My friend C asked me one day "When do I get to find my Joe?" and when she started dating her noe boyfriend she said "Krista, I thinkI found myJoe." Does that put things in perspective? So over the past few months things started to go downhill and after fight after fight and a week long "break" we got back together and I thought things could be ok. But the day I got "I'll look at you however the F*&@ I want" I decided I was done. That and all of the people who had once said "You're going to get married and have a ton of babies" were saying "You really need to be done with him!" People who had taken his side in huge fights we'd had were saying "Krista, you really need to leave him." and "You really can do so much better." So I did. I told him we were done and that was that. At least for the first couple of days. And after that it was lots of tears and sad songs. And since then it's been rough as you can see in my last few posts. But today it snowballed into
- he's going to find someone else and i'll be alone for the rest of my life! (later humored myself by saying yeah but she'll be ugly as all get out)
- I'm going to fail the ACT!
- I'm going to remember him too much
- I'm going to fail all my classes this quarter
- everyone's going to ask about the break up at practice
- i'll be cryign at practice and then they'll really make a big deal out of it
- i'm going to be an old frigid single woman with 50 cats!
- I'm not going to have a date for prom
- I'm going to gain a ton of weight and I won't fit into any of my clothes!
and so on and so forth

Well that is over. At some point after I went back to "make friends with the powder brush" and ended up crying hysterically over the sink I thought about how much time I could waste by crying over someone who really didn't deserve me in the first place and how much time I could enjoy in the sun before we leave tomorrow. So I dried my eyes and put my bathing suit on and laid out all afternoon. I feel so much better. But I have learned that the happy face is not always best. sometimes you just need to cry. The saddest thing about all of this is that I don't know who he is anymore. I knew him inside out. I could read him like a bookand now he is a perfect stranger. Someone I don't necessarily want to know. Will I cry again before it's all said and done? Probably but it will not be because I want him back. It will be because of the memories. It still hurts a little but not nearly as bad. He can go to college in Alaska for all I care. I'm tired of having my emotions messed with. I'm done missing him. So when I smile, it will be for real.

1. coffee
2. my mom
3. texting
4. tissues
5. the strength we don't know we have until we use it.

all for one

You know I'm beginning to love this blogging thing more and more ever day. For the longest time I was fighting my battles in my head. There was so much going on up there that every time I couldn't take it anymore I would just blurt something random out to my mom and she would just try to pick up the pieces as best she could. She has worked so hard to help me. She has tried so hard to be my rock. But there is also my brother and sister and my dad and her other 9 children (the cheer team we coach together.) Needless to say, it is very difficult for her to come running to my rescue every time something goes wrong. Many times instead of just realizing that she is doing her best I have let my own selfishness take over and I start thinking, "Why aren't you worried about ME? Why aren't you devoting all of your attention to ME?" The truth is she probably worries about me more than I realize. She is so strong for me when I need her and I don't know what I would do without her.
What I really wanted to write about today was the fact that not a whole lot of people have read this yet. When I started I thought "I want to be one of those blogs that people subscribe to and read daily. The one that gets comments like 'you go girl!' and 'you mhelp me make it through the day.'" But truth be told, maybe I'm not ready for that. Maybe it's more important that I get my thoughts out on paper/internet page. Maybe it's more important that I fight this battle in my head. It's more important to release my thoughts and take it day by day. Fighting my battle against the fear that I will never be good enought to cheer in college. My battle against my weight that turned into an obsession. So today, I believe I am winning my battle. By doing some strength work this morning pilates stlye with weights, by donning the vute yoga pants and the tank top that curves every part of my imperfect mid section. Even when I looked in the outside window and saw my reflection and thought "Oh my god, your core is so not tight...girl you need to lose that!" and wanted to change my top, I still wore it. I did not hide. I won by making very careful decisions as to what to eat.
On another topic, the ex. He's calling me tonight. He's on his way home from a visit to the University of Alabama. It's funny. When J (rest of name ommitted) first thought about going there next year (he's a senior I'm a junior) I was terrified and got really upset whenever I thought about it. But as the year has progressed he thought about going to Marshall with me. He knew I would never change my mind. I've wanted to go there since I was little. So he started seriously looking into it, after he looked at Miami of Ohio, Baldwin Wallace, and Alabama. He even has a Marshall lanyard and I love him for it. He would never admit it, but everyone knows the only reason he even started to think about looking at Marshall. But lately it had really become an issue between us. He kept changing is mind. We made all these plans about next year and college together. But all of a sudden he started thinking heavily about Alabama again. A 12 hour drive from where we live. And even though we're not together he's been one of my best friends for over 2 years now. There are so many things we've shared. We had our future all planned out and all of our friends swore we were bound to be high school sweet hearts. He was the football player and I was his cheerleader. He was Prince Charming and I was his Princess. He was my conquering hero and I was his damsel. He was my everything and I was his. I'm really glad he's calling tonight but at the same time I'm really anxious. I miss talking to him but I'm afraid of it being terrible awkward small talk betweent 2 broken hearted people. But regardless, I am awaiting his call.

1. the most beautiful weather since we got here
2. grapes =]
3. sun tan lotion
4. sunglasses
5. J for calling

You left a hole where my heart should be...

Have you ever felt like you are on the brink of something. This feeling that you're on the edge and all you have to do is jump. Just let your toes slip off the edge. Close your eyes and let go. And something wonderful will happen. You have no idea what to expect, no idea what is going to happen but you know something is coming. Like that song that Tony sings in West Side Story before the dance when he meets Maria.
I woke up this morning and this feeling hits me heavier and harder like it has every single day. it's like being in a boxing tournament and after countless victories you hit a series of boxers you can't beat. Punch after punch, they're taking it all out of you.
It's funny. My best Friend K (I'll keep the rest of her name secret) and I both agreed on this feeling. It's driving me crazy. I've never felt like this before and I don't think there's a name for it. So I will do my best to describe it

A first love feeling
A don't let me go I can't do this without you feeling
A that's my best friend walking away feeling
A God I just wish you would hold me feeling
An I want your hand in mine feeling
An I want to feel my body fit perfectly into your arms feeling
An I want you to take me where I've never wanted to go with anyone else feeling
A please don't leave me here alone feeling
An empty feeling
A sharp pain in my heart feeling
A tears just behind my eyes feeling
A can't get you out of my thoughts feeling
An I can imagine your touch feeling
A Why can't we start over feeling
An I dream about your face feeling
An If I close my eyes I can feel you feeling
A longing for that kiss feeling
An all of my defenses are down feeling
A You and Me feeling but you're not here feeling
A hold me and tell me you love me and you'll never hurt me again feeling
An "I'll never let you go again." is all i want to hear feeling
An I miss your face feeling
An I love you feeling.
A real feeling

I've only ever broken up with one other person and when I broke up with him I was already over him for the guy I was just recently dating for a year and a half. This is so different. He's my best friend. It was so different.

Luckily I could really unwind in the kitchen today. I made dinner. BAcon wrapped scallops and grilled shrimp with a lemon drizzle and basil chifonaud. Grilled asparagus lightly seasoned, baked potatoes and sliced tomoatoes. I love to cook and it really gave me some time of clear headedness. Other than that, I have spent the entire day completely wrapped up in my thoughts. I have never missed someone like this never wanted to see his face or hear his voice so much. There are countless moments I would re-live if i could. the kind that take your breath away. But if I really think about it, there were no regrets. Noting I wuold have taken back. But if I could do it all over again, I would. Without a second thought. Even the pain. Every single moment was worth this hurt.

But still I am blessed:
1. people to cook for
2. a best friend to share my weaknesses with
3. a good book
4. the weather
5. sad songs.

the prom dress sent from God

SO today the 5 of us women ventured out into the world. The only other time we have even put on make up was to go to mass on Easter. Maybe that will help put into perspective the kind of secluded vacation this is. Anyway, we all got dressed up to go to lunch and do some shopping. The PERFECT oppurtunity to check off number 1 on my list. And boy did I ever! I found 3 great pairs of yoga pants a track jacket and a bunch of tank tops. Most importantly, (drum roll please) I found my prom dress...There it was, just hanging along side plenty of other black and white dresses. There was nothing about it that was particularly special. It had no rays of shining light coming forth from it while angels sang. But I put it on and it fit like a dream. a strapless, knee length bubble dress with a funky little pattern. Great silver shoes and a silver wrap. MY GOD! I felt like a rockstar. I just knew that there was someone in heaven looking at God and saying "OK. It's a girl thing so I don't expect you to understand but this girl NEEDS you to put things in front of her that will fit just right." and he did. It was a lovely day and I really got a nice little confidence boost. But after spending 5 days on your ass, a good run/condition session plus an entire afternoon of shopping (we're not talking browsing window shopping...I mean cut throat-super model speed try on-all out- every man, woman child for themselves- serious shopping) I'm a little worn out. So it looks like take out and a good book for me tonight. But it's been a ful day and I have much to be thankful for

1. post run endorhpins
2. soma yoga pants
3. anything that labeled "small" that fits my size 10 ass.
4. my prom dress
5. my fab 5

It takes a village

Well, today I have to apologize to 5 women. The four that I am on vacation with and my best friend. These 5 women have spent the past week mending the broken hear of their daughter, niece, grand daughter, best friend. They have been so amazingly patient with me as I mope around in the fog of my own mind (it's scary in there let me tell you.)
Have you ever seen that movie with Reese Witherspoon where she dies and her ghost is sent back? That's kind of what I've been like for the past week. I can look in the mirror and see myself but it's not me. You see, the real me is perky (yeah, annoying cheerleader perky...), confident, funny, witty, and pretty damn cute ( i may be a little biased). But the girl that I'm seeing in the mirror is lacking energy, self esteem, sense of humor, and she's walking around in nothing but sweats to hide in. WHERE DID I GO????? My nana asked me "What can you do right now to make yourself feel better?" So I thought about it and this is what I havesome up with.

1. find a great, flattering outfit that I feel like a rockstar in (all I packed was shorts and t-shirts to wear)
2. Spend an entire afternoon laying out in the sun with a book and my iPod
3. Spend an evening cooking a meal for these lovely women who have been so patient with me
4. go out one night =]
5. flirt with someone! (haven't done that in a while)
6. smile a little more.

So this blog is dedicated to my fab 5.
Thank you for being my shoulders to cry on. God knows there's been enough tears to go around. =]

On another note, it's a beautiful day in florida, a little cool for my liking but the sun is out and the whole scene from the back porch is picturesque. I think God had something special in mid when he painted the sky so bright this morning. His little girl could use somethine bright today

My list of blessings for the day:
1. my fab 5
2. sushi
3. the sunshine
4. my nana's wise advice (she seems to know just how to make you think when you don't want to think and talk about things you wouldn't normally just spill.)
5. sweatshirts

Laziness is a bitch and a blessing

It's Spring Break and I'm on vacation in the Florida sunshine. This vacation isn't your average vacation however. It is five women, living in a house for 10 days. In all of our un made up, menstrual, moody, chocolate loving, mah-jongg playing, book reading glory. Doesn't it sound like something straigh out of a reality T.V nightmare?
Here we are, my mother, my aunt, my nana, her best friend, and myself. I am the baby in this odd group of sisters. This time is a time of tradtions in the family. 10 days every spring and this is my first year. A right of passage if you will. Today is day 3 and I have learned a valuable lesson. Laziness is a bitch and a blessing. I started (and finshed) the book "Atonement" yesterday. (Not my favorite by far.) In that way it's a blessing. It is also a blessing for this teenage girl who lives in her car, between, school, home, cheerleading (previously) her boyfriend's house, and her friends, when my most important decision of the day is "What pair of sweat pants will make my ass look smallest?" Laziness is a bitch in that after breaking up with my boyfriend of a year and a half, I have a lot of time to think. A lot of time to remember and cry. I also have a lot of time to eat. Luckily nothing too terrible like and entire bag of oreos or the enitre pan of fudge brownies...not that it hasn't been tempting. (can you tell I'm menstrual and a little emotionally messed up right now?) But most entertainingly (for me anyway) it's a bitch because at somepoint laziness leads to doing something stupid. (not that i need to be lazy to do or say something stupid as you will find out) Such as the following. With my allergies making their presence known more and more, I decided to move away from the area of the back porch plagued by toxic cigarette smoke to a lovely little corner with a lounge chair and fressh airs (if you don't count the millions of pollen particles driving my nose to become a KITCHEN FAUCET!). Realizing, after I sat down, that it wasn't reclined as far as I would like, I simply turned around to adjust the back accordingly. Now if I hadn't been feeling so relaxed and lazy, I could have stood up and done it easily and safely with both of my hands but instead I sent the chair back crashing down onto my right hand. After yelling some obscenity that I can't remember across the deck, I tried to be the tough girl I am at cheer practice and not cry, which didn't last long. (you'd cry too if you dropped a chir back on your hand, were on your period and had just broken up with someone, and 4 of the women who raised you were looking at you in shock/worry) Although it's nothing like getting a shiner on the competition warm up mat, not 10 minutes before your performance, it still hurt like bloody hell. Well, I have learned my lesson for the day. You can only be so lazy before something bad happens.

I have always been told. "you're a lucky girl, you should count your blessings every day." I happen to think that this statement contradicts it self. By definiton, luck is "a combination of circumstances, events, etc., operating by chance to bring good or ill to a person" (dictionary.com) but a blessing is "a favor or gift bestowed by God, thereby bringing happiness." I believe that the people in my life have worked hard for what they have and have always followed Christian ideals to accomplish what they have accomplished. So in that respect, I do not believe that I am lucky. I am blessed. Blessed with a great family, successful grand parents who are very generous and loving parents who put my needs before their own. I have never been denied anything that I needed and my family has aklways loved me, stood by me, and believed in me. I am blessed to have a loving family. I am blessed that God put me in the family that he did. The moral to my story is simple. I want to share my blessings with you so that you too can realize the good in life and be thankful for it daily. At the end of each blog will be a simple list of 5 blessings (in no particular increasing or decreasning order)

1. Ice packs (for my lazy hand)
2. the 4 women i am with (for being my strength through my struggles)
3. Easter candy (especially Robin's eggs and dark and peanut m&ms)
4. a beautiful day (minus the pollen)
5. sweatpants (there's nothing better when you're menstrual)

Let me introduce myself.

So maybe this blog sounds completely lame and unrelatable. Maybe so. But here's my story. I grew up dreaming to cheer in college. Not just any college. Marshall University (have you seen "We Are...Marshall" ? That would be the one). I'm sure your next question is where it is. Huntington West Virginia my friends, right across the shining Ohio River. I've also always dreamed of growing up, falling in love with Prince Charming and raisning a good Catholic family. My nana (who inspired me to start this blog) made me realize I want to own my own business someday. What better business for a cheerleader to run than a CHEER GYM!! Imagine that. As if there aren't enough of us already yo ucan bet there will be more. Have no fear for I refuse to have 4 year olds walking around in crop tops. So these are my dreams America. This is my life. Being a 17 year old girl who knows exactly what she wants in life but not knowing exactly how she's going to get it, isn't easy.
In the Catholic church, Easter is a day for rejoicing, the day that Jesus rose from the dead. So what better time to start this diary of sorts of my life, my journey to achieve my dreams. My Nana always told me "Krista, you should be a writer." I've never completely listened to her and always doubted my writing. But when she said it for the 1million and 1st time yesterday, I decided maybe she was right. Well here it is. Like it or not. This is my story.