You know I'm beginning to love this blogging thing more and more ever day. For the longest time I was fighting my battles in my head. There was so much going on up there that every time I couldn't take it anymore I would just blurt something random out to my mom and she would just try to pick up the pieces as best she could. She has worked so hard to help me. She has tried so hard to be my rock. But there is also my brother and sister and my dad and her other 9 children (the cheer team we coach together.) Needless to say, it is very difficult for her to come running to my rescue every time something goes wrong. Many times instead of just realizing that she is doing her best I have let my own selfishness take over and I start thinking, "Why aren't you worried about ME? Why aren't you devoting all of your attention to ME?" The truth is she probably worries about me more than I realize. She is so strong for me when I need her and I don't know what I would do without her.
What I really wanted to write about today was the fact that not a whole lot of people have read this yet. When I started I thought "I want to be one of those blogs that people subscribe to and read daily. The one that gets comments like 'you go girl!' and 'you mhelp me make it through the day.'" But truth be told, maybe I'm not ready for that. Maybe it's more important that I get my thoughts out on paper/internet page. Maybe it's more important that I fight this battle in my head. It's more important to release my thoughts and take it day by day. Fighting my battle against the fear that I will never be good enought to cheer in college. My battle against my weight that turned into an obsession. So today, I believe I am winning my battle. By doing some strength work this morning pilates stlye with weights, by donning the vute yoga pants and the tank top that curves every part of my imperfect mid section. Even when I looked in the outside window and saw my reflection and thought "Oh my god, your core is so not tight...girl you need to lose that!" and wanted to change my top, I still wore it. I did not hide. I won by making very careful decisions as to what to eat.
On another topic, the ex. He's calling me tonight. He's on his way home from a visit to the University of Alabama. It's funny. When J (rest of name ommitted) first thought about going there next year (he's a senior I'm a junior) I was terrified and got really upset whenever I thought about it. But as the year has progressed he thought about going to Marshall with me. He knew I would never change my mind. I've wanted to go there since I was little. So he started seriously looking into it, after he looked at Miami of Ohio, Baldwin Wallace, and Alabama. He even has a Marshall lanyard and I love him for it. He would never admit it, but everyone knows the only reason he even started to think about looking at Marshall. But lately it had really become an issue between us. He kept changing is mind. We made all these plans about next year and college together. But all of a sudden he started thinking heavily about Alabama again. A 12 hour drive from where we live. And even though we're not together he's been one of my best friends for over 2 years now. There are so many things we've shared. We had our future all planned out and all of our friends swore we were bound to be high school sweet hearts. He was the football player and I was his cheerleader. He was Prince Charming and I was his Princess. He was my conquering hero and I was his damsel. He was my everything and I was his. I'm really glad he's calling tonight but at the same time I'm really anxious. I miss talking to him but I'm afraid of it being terrible awkward small talk betweent 2 broken hearted people. But regardless, I am awaiting his call.
1. the most beautiful weather since we got here
2. grapes =]
3. sun tan lotion
4. sunglasses
5. J for calling
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