Have you ever felt like you are on the brink of something. This feeling that you're on the edge and all you have to do is jump. Just let your toes slip off the edge. Close your eyes and let go. And something wonderful will happen. You have no idea what to expect, no idea what is going to happen but you know something is coming. Like that song that Tony sings in West Side Story before the dance when he meets Maria.
I woke up this morning and this feeling hits me heavier and harder like it has every single day. it's like being in a boxing tournament and after countless victories you hit a series of boxers you can't beat. Punch after punch, they're taking it all out of you.
It's funny. My best Friend K (I'll keep the rest of her name secret) and I both agreed on this feeling. It's driving me crazy. I've never felt like this before and I don't think there's a name for it. So I will do my best to describe it
A first love feeling
A don't let me go I can't do this without you feeling
A that's my best friend walking away feeling
A God I just wish you would hold me feeling
An I want your hand in mine feeling
An I want to feel my body fit perfectly into your arms feeling
An I want you to take me where I've never wanted to go with anyone else feeling
A please don't leave me here alone feeling
An empty feeling
A sharp pain in my heart feeling
A tears just behind my eyes feeling
A can't get you out of my thoughts feeling
An I can imagine your touch feeling
A Why can't we start over feeling
An I dream about your face feeling
An If I close my eyes I can feel you feeling
A longing for that kiss feeling
An all of my defenses are down feeling
A You and Me feeling but you're not here feeling
A hold me and tell me you love me and you'll never hurt me again feeling
An "I'll never let you go again." is all i want to hear feeling
An I miss your face feeling
An I love you feeling.
A real feeling
I've only ever broken up with one other person and when I broke up with him I was already over him for the guy I was just recently dating for a year and a half. This is so different. He's my best friend. It was so different.
Luckily I could really unwind in the kitchen today. I made dinner. BAcon wrapped scallops and grilled shrimp with a lemon drizzle and basil chifonaud. Grilled asparagus lightly seasoned, baked potatoes and sliced tomoatoes. I love to cook and it really gave me some time of clear headedness. Other than that, I have spent the entire day completely wrapped up in my thoughts. I have never missed someone like this never wanted to see his face or hear his voice so much. There are countless moments I would re-live if i could. the kind that take your breath away. But if I really think about it, there were no regrets. Noting I wuold have taken back. But if I could do it all over again, I would. Without a second thought. Even the pain. Every single moment was worth this hurt.
But still I am blessed:
1. people to cook for
2. a best friend to share my weaknesses with
3. a good book
4. the weather
5. sad songs.
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