Me and my friend K have this thing we call our happy face. It's the face we put on when something's wrong and we don't want anyone to know. When we don't want to make an issue out of what's going on. The only other person who can really tell when I put on my happy face is K. So I woke up this morning and felt pretty good. A little tired, a little foggy without my allergy pill and my cup of coffee (I am Cruella DeVille without my coffee...I was the inspiration for her character actually.) It was going to be a great day =]. The conversation with J (ex) had gone well last night. Not nearly as awkward as I was thinking it would be. He left me a message on facebook that was really sweet. I figured we had really gotten some closure. I thought it was really nice. We could be pleasant and things would be ok. But they ended up just starting in motion a whole chain of events. Before I say anything else let me say this: DAMNED BE FACEBOOK!!!!!! I found out 2 things that kind of ruined my day:
1. He's going to alabama for sure
2. his sister found him a date for her college sorority formal.
So all of a sudden I was pissed and I was hurt and I was jealous and I jut wanted to cry. But what did I do instead? I put on that happy face and faked it. I was completely ok... ( even though I was wiping away 2 tears that had sneaked out and taking deep breaths to make my chin stop quivering...really I wasa mess) This was probably around 11:00 am. I did sooo good. There were at least 5 times I was attacked with memories, and thoughts and worries like that boxing ring analogy I used earlier. I was taking the hits and standing back up.
So as my mom was finishing our Amazon order for the ACT review book I started this conversation
Me: He's going to Alabama
She: GREAT!
Me: Lauren found him a date for her sorority formal
She: I'm sure she did!
Me: Yeah...
She: Good Riddance! FEEL THE CRIMSON ASSHOLE!!!
(can you tell he's not her favorite person.)
Me: yeah...
She: Isn't that a good thing?
Me: shrug, chin quiver
She: aww baby *Hug*
Me: tears
She: what an ass hole...you know he did it on purpose...he's showing his true colors sweetie. He's not worth your time...etc. etc.
Me: more tears...I know I know it's not just that. It's me being a girl and getting over it all...it's just hard.
She: I swear I'm going to send your dad to kick his ass.
Can you see why I love my mother??
The funny thing is after our conversation last night I was really thinking things were going to be ok. We could be friends again. I knew after talking to him we weren't going to get back together. (thinks for a second) Maybe I should tell you why we broke up in the first place. Well it's a bit complicated...things have been rough for a while. We used to be the couple that everyone thought would get married after attending the same college. In fact we had pictures taken for our 1 year anniversary and people seriously said we should use them as engagement pictures when we got engaged. We were basically your perfect couple. My friend C asked me one day "When do I get to find my Joe?" and when she started dating her noe boyfriend she said "Krista, I thinkI found myJoe." Does that put things in perspective? So over the past few months things started to go downhill and after fight after fight and a week long "break" we got back together and I thought things could be ok. But the day I got "I'll look at you however the F*&@ I want" I decided I was done. That and all of the people who had once said "You're going to get married and have a ton of babies" were saying "You really need to be done with him!" People who had taken his side in huge fights we'd had were saying "Krista, you really need to leave him." and "You really can do so much better." So I did. I told him we were done and that was that. At least for the first couple of days. And after that it was lots of tears and sad songs. And since then it's been rough as you can see in my last few posts. But today it snowballed into
- he's going to find someone else and i'll be alone for the rest of my life! (later humored myself by saying yeah but she'll be ugly as all get out)
- I'm going to fail the ACT!
- I'm going to remember him too much
- I'm going to fail all my classes this quarter
- everyone's going to ask about the break up at practice
- i'll be cryign at practice and then they'll really make a big deal out of it
- i'm going to be an old frigid single woman with 50 cats!
- I'm not going to have a date for prom
- I'm going to gain a ton of weight and I won't fit into any of my clothes!
and so on and so forth
Well that is over. At some point after I went back to "make friends with the powder brush" and ended up crying hysterically over the sink I thought about how much time I could waste by crying over someone who really didn't deserve me in the first place and how much time I could enjoy in the sun before we leave tomorrow. So I dried my eyes and put my bathing suit on and laid out all afternoon. I feel so much better. But I have learned that the happy face is not always best. sometimes you just need to cry. The saddest thing about all of this is that I don't know who he is anymore. I knew him inside out. I could read him like a bookand now he is a perfect stranger. Someone I don't necessarily want to know. Will I cry again before it's all said and done? Probably but it will not be because I want him back. It will be because of the memories. It still hurts a little but not nearly as bad. He can go to college in Alaska for all I care. I'm tired of having my emotions messed with. I'm done missing him. So when I smile, it will be for real.
1. coffee
2. my mom
3. texting
4. tissues
5. the strength we don't know we have until we use it.
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