new week

What a weekend! Friday night practice was really just physicals and cheer Christmas. We got new t-shirts and uniforms! Saturday morning was pictures and then driving to the wedding with whitney. Sunday's practice was FABULOUS!!! The routine looks awesome and we really pulled together as a team! I felt no stress or anxiety I just had a great practice and let myself go. Tumbling has been going great. I only had one bad handspring out of probably 20 today. Mike said it just takes time now for everything to click!
1. the helpful people at verizon after i dropped my phone in the toilet (it fell out of my pocket)
2. Spending some time with jess and mom
3. mom and i both getting new phones. env3 i lovvve it
4. hearing from Dr. Kays
5. having a great tumbling day
6. not stressing about camp
7. Seeing amy, Aunt Boo, Jenna and Cabella
8. my big pink comfy chair for my dorm
9. bed bath and beyond gift cards
10. Sunshine

today was awesome :) it was an awesome tumbling day but not how I expected. I will elaborate when it's not so late.
1. waking up to another quiet rainy day
2. making whitney's weekend by suggesting she come to Huntington with us
3. drills :)
4. Lunch with Carrie and delicious Honey oat bran muffins!!!
5. long naps
6. Spending almost 7 hours at mike's tumbling, stunting and watching movies. and being converted from subway to jersey mikes
7. knowing that physically my handspring is amazing it's just waiting for it to click that is frustrating. As soon as Mike walks away i sabotage myself
8. Hitting 2 new tricks tonight :) toss lib hands cupie, and tick tock
9. Practicing fight songs
10. Cheering people up

such a great day!

Today was soo Awesome! I got up and went to Mass this morning and was reading from a book called Thy Will Be Done. It's a series of letters from St. Francis DeSales to people struggling with everyday problems. The topic of mine today was about giving our will freely and joyfully to God. So when Dad asked me to take Josh to get cleats I said of course and the rest of the day followed in God's will. Mike came at 1:20 ish and we ran out the door. I got to babysit 2 adorable baby boys of 7 months named Jonathon and Tyler. They were precious and a blessing to my day. Whitney went with me to stunt where I hit walk in Lib hands Cupie!!! Never done that before!! It was great! I didn't get to tumble today but I think that may have been a blessing in disguise. I was so set on today being the day that I could very easily sike myself out with one bad handspring. Tomorrow I'll have my energy and excitement up and the pressure will be on. I know I can do it. I can feel it. And after today I feel so completely not in control and it is an amazing feeling. I know that everything will be ok and that I am going to have an AWESOME practice this weekend!!
1. Mass :) such a peaceful place that leaves me feeling full of life
2. The steady rhythm of a rainy day
3. 20 minutes on the couch with a magazine. Just 20 minutes to shut off my brain
4. Jonathon and Tyler. Their sense of simple joy and contentment is an inspiration
5. Spending the day with Mike and Whitney. I always get to smile and laugh.
6. Baby Einstein. It's freaking AWESOME!
7. Spending some time with Josh picking out cleats
8. Hitting some awesome stunts today. Being way on it.
9. XS Energy drinks :) pretty much calorie free and taste AMAZING plus alll natural. No sugar
10. a clean room and clean sheets after Nancy was here today

What A DAY!!!

Oh what a day today has been. First of all and most importantly I had a BITCHIN tumbling day and tomorrow is the day. I can feel it. I feel SOOOO good!!!! It's awesome. I almost went and just did it after we were done but I almost feel like letting my excitement build is just going to push me that much more tomorrow. I felt soooo awesome!! EEK!!!!
The rest of the day was pretty cool too. I have realized that my feelings for Corey are completely Platonic. He showed up at the house this morning and I was just like woah. What is that? So it was a bit of a challenge during the morning and early part of the day to try to bring myself to be attracted to him still. He's just too borderline gay for me. He has alot of qualities that i absolutely LOVE. He takes such good care of me and just dotes on me like I am all he has ever wanted which is just lovely and sweet and wonderful and I love it. But he's planning our future and saying things like I'm looking forward to helping you decorate our house when I looked at a piece of art and said I want something like that in my kitchen. And he tried to buy me a hundred dollar piece of art! FOR SERIOUS??? We've only been a legit couple for like 5 days. SHWOW!!! I just feel like he's become even more of a distraction from cheerleading than a nice little distraction from the stress. He has become like a full time commitment. He's just sooo weird! Like mom and mike came up with an elaborate scheme saying Cabella was sick at Amy's grandparents house and I needed to go pick her up and watch her at Amy and Jason's. I even left and ran an errand so he would think I really went.
ok so ten good things from today
1. Blurpees at 7:45 AM
2. A bad ass granola bagel from Whole Foods
3. BEAUTIFUL weather
4. The Short North
5. People Watching
6. Unique art in amazing galleries
7. Inspiration to become successful so I can fill my home with literature art and culture
8. Whitney making me laugh
9. Mom and Mike coming up with such a great plan
10. A friggin titties and beer tumbling day

only today

1. Having a good talk with dr. kays about letting myself relax and not sabotage myself by stressing myself out and working myself up
2. The computer at Whole Foods being down and paying way less for what I got
3. preparing for a relaxed morning/early afternoon with Corey tomorrow
4. having a good tumbling day
5. washing my car (it's the cleanest it's been inside and out since i've had it)
6. Peanut Butter and Jelly :) (it's just always good)
7. concentrating on today and not the future
8. Mike pep talking me through some evening frustration
9. Making up a super cute cheer for Whitney!
10.Sitting in the sun with a magazine for a while.

I'm trying not to get frustrated. Here's the plan for tomorrow
1. get up early and work out
2. get ready to go out for the early part pf the day
3. meet Corey here at the house
4. Breakfast at Alum Creek Park
5. Short North and lunch
6. Home to hang out and tumble
7. Making dinner for the fam and corey

That is tomorrow and that is all I will concentrate on. Deep breaths and only tomorrow

a change in perspective

The weekend was so much fun! Thursday's date with Corey was amazing! We had our sushi and caught up and he loved his present. Mom and Mike and I ended up going to the other Hibachi restaurant for dinner and then just hung out at the house. Friday morning I got up and ran in the park before the golf tournament. The tournament was great! Kelsey and I made $640 dollars from 30 golfers! We got 160 and then Coach Pruett doubled it for us and the M Club doubled that! It was so great!! So mom made us dinner for when we got home and we just hung out until Corey came ovr to play Euchere with us. We almost won but ended up losing and had to do a shot which made me feel guilty because the calories in alcohol is one reason I don't really drink. So after that, Corey and I fell asleep watching a movie in the living room. He ended up sleeping on the 3rd floor for the night. I made him breakfast before work yesterday morning before I went to breakfast with Sarah.
I was stressing a lot over the weekend about practice and not having my tumbling and just feeling really overwhelmed. Saturday I just cried after mike and I worked out in the back yard. Mom gave me a book about mothers and daughters and it just opened the flood gates. I spent most of the day being pretty quiet which was a combination of exhaustion and frustration. But today I got up early to take Jess and Josh to church and felt completely at peace when I remembered, I am not in control. I have no control over what happens weeks from now only over what I am doing RIGHT NOW! I have been so much more relaxed and at peace. I think I'm going to start going to daily mass at least twice a week. Tomorrow I'll be getting up early to go see Dr. Kays but Tuesday I'll be there. I want to start writing doen 10 things I'm thankful for every day. I think it will help me put things in perspective.
1. Going to church with jess and josh
2. The beautiful weather
3. seeing you're a good man charlie brown in the park
4. discussing corey coming to Columbus on Tuesday
5. Bsking in the peaceful feeling that I am not in control
6. Some really pretty handsprings with mike
7. Getting to see Whitney. Her energy is contagious
8. Putting in extra effort and doing 50 toe touches just because
9. Watching old school with dad
10. Spending some time with the Gibbs

a fun filled weekend

Today I am just so happy to be going to Huntington. It's going to be a fun trip no stress and I am trying to hold on to this feeling so that I can revert back to it next weekend when I go down for practice. Today we're leaving around noon and I'm meeting Corey at 4 for a late lunch at a Sushi place. I absolutely cannot wait to see him!!! After that I'm going to visit my friend Quentin where he works and then workout with mike and hang out with him and mom the rest of the evening. There's only one other person working the golf tournament tomorrow which could really end up being lots of fun. Sometimes that makes it easier and it earns us both a bunch of cool points. Then tomorrow night Corey's coming over at like 11 after he gets off of work and we're watching the dark Knight. Our one date night got split in half so now it's 2 lol. Saturday morning I'm having breakfast with a girl I cheer with so it's going to be an all around fun weekend!! i think it's definitely a blessing and I'm looking forward to every bit of it

end of my rope

I feel like I'm at the end of my rope right now. I weighed myself this morning and I'm at 147. Ok my clothes don't fit like I gained 7 pounds. Where the fuck is this coming from??? I'm feeling so stressed out and overwhelmed and frustrated. I feel like nothing i'm doing is working. Nothing I'm doing is good enough and it totally sucks. Mike is convinced that it's totally normal and it will shoot back down soon. Barbara thinks I just need to go back to logging my meals before i eat them rather than after like we used to. I just don't know what to do but cry. It's one of those days when giving up seems so much easier than keeping going but I know I have to keep going. So time to get ready to go out with molly. Dry my tears and put on a happy face.

overwhelmed, stressed, frustrated

The three words that best describe how I'm feeling right now would be overwhelmed, frustrated and stressed. I just can't believe I'm leaving for college in 36 days! Part of me absolutely can't wait and is feeling smothered by being at home and part of me is afraid of the unknown. It's one of those nights when a series of little events just slowly inches me over the line of mental equilibrium. Tumbling went really well today. Mike didn't have me do my handspring yesterday because I was just sucking and would have killed myself but today I got back in the swing of things. It's like I know he's going to make me throw it and revert back to my old ways so I can stay in my comfort zone. It's so close and I catch myself thinking what if i just did it right here right now. UGH!!! I just feel so imperfect and insufficient right now. I'm trying to just let go and let God but it's soooo hard!!! Mom and Mike and I are headed to Huntington on Thursday. I'm going out for coffee with Corey and then hanging out with them the rest of the night. Friday is the big golf tournament and then Corey and I are going out or staying in just depending on how we feel. We're pretty much dating at this point. He's so great. I was talking to him tonight when I was stressing out and he wouldn't try to fix things he would just tell me to relax, things are going to be ok I swear. I'll always be here for you. Just the most reassuring things. Lately that's all I want. I can't wait to see him on Thursday and give him his birthday present!! I'm so excited to get to spend time with Mom and Mike!
Tomorrow I'm having lunch with Molly which will be a great chance to vent and talk about Corey lol. Then I'm stunting with Gordon and finally hanging out with Kels.
I'm going to go take 10 deep breaths and say some prayers before I go to bed.

big day? I think so

So I'm pretty sure Mike is going to have me do my handspring today. EEK! But I'm ready for it! I've been waiting for this day and playing it in my head. This day needs to come and after this day it'll be easy. it's just the first one, the ear of the unknown that's scary. One handspring? I can tackle that. I can swallow my fear long enough to get past that first O MY GOD O MY GOD scary handspring that will make all the rest easy. I think I can I think i can. Little engine that could :)

some kind of insanity

Tumbling tonight was the most insane experience of my life. Mike showed up and everything seemed normal. He said 2 suicide runs and find a spot to jog in place. So I did and he came out and start barking out orders like hit the deck and mountain climbers, pushups, bronches, hit the deck, mountain climbers, sumo squats, frog jumps, hit the deck, jog it out was mixed in there too with high knees, jumping jacks and toe touches. Basically it was the most disgusting feeling pain inflicting conditioning known to man kind and it only took 10 minutes. It's called 30 second strength. You do each exercise for 30 seconds at a time and it is absolute hell. I started crying at probably half way or a little over and didn't stop until well after I was done. Mike was up in my face saying don't you dare give up. Don't you quit! Are you going to quit? Answer me! Like straight up military. After that all I had to do was 15 handsprings. Mike said I'm not planning on them being pretty. I know you're going to suck but it's about doing them and making the changes even though you're tired and in pain. For the first 7 he said nothing and told me to make the changes. After that he started coaching. After the final handspring he walked away and said handspring. After the shock that my body and mind had gone through I finally broke down. I wanted to just throw it but I couldn't feel anything. He came over to the mat while I was crying and held my face in his hands and said you know that I'm pissing you off and it's making you want to do it that much more. Are you going to suck it up and commit to this trick? Can you do this. I kept saying yes and I don't know. And he was still in my face saying I don't know is not an answer. You have this trick. You can do this and I am not here to let you get hurt. So he stood there on the opposite side of where he usually does and I did it, and then one more. He grabbed me in the biggest hug and I just cried some more. He said I love you so much and I hate being a dick. I had to laugh. He said you just finished that conditioning and then did 15 handsprings by yourself. How do you feel? I said give me 5 minutes and I'll let you know. A minute later I looked at him and said I feel like a complete bad ass and he laughed and said that's exactly what you should feel like. So I'm going to say that today was a 6 on a scale of 1-5. It was such a crazy feeling of fear and raw drive and desire. It was just me and mike. Mom was out there but it was like she just didn't exist. It was just me and mike. I'm already sore and can't imagine how I'm going to feel in the morning. lol.
Dr. Kays sent me a really cool e-mail today about running your own race. it was about not puffing yourself about when you're faster than someone else or feeling inferior when someone is faster than you. Everyone is running a completely different race in a different directions at a different pace for different reasons. I thought that was a really cool thought.
Mom and Jess and Josh and I went dorm/school shopping today! YAY!!! Everything is nicely coordinated! we even have rugs! My roommate is really cool from the 2 conversations we've had so far. My sheets are hot pink and my comfortor and pillows are black with these elegant modern white circles on them so at first glance it looks simple in sophisticated but underneath it's fun and colorful! We have bathroom accessories and storage and now all we need is curtains and a few more storage things. And a fridge and TV
So today was a super fabulous day and it's 1 week from today I get to see Corey!

the moment's approaching!

Tumbling the past couple of days has been "Titties and Beer" I am throwing handsprings by myself Mike says it's just not quite as consistent as he wants. I am hitting 6 out of 10 which is awesome because yesterday I was hitting 5 out of 10. I talked to Duane today and even catching up not even talking about cheerleading makes me feel so much better. The only thing stressing me out is knowing that it's really a matter of days before Mike says ok give me a handspring and walks away. I really need to mentally prepare for that and if he would have said that tonight I would not have been ready. So I give tonight a 4. I was focused on each and every handspring and all of my drills. I put 100% into each and every one. Realistically I should be doing handsprings on my own next week and now I just need to take the time to mentally prepare for that scary as hell moment!!

happy days!

I am the happiest girl in the world today :). I'm 100% falling for the most amazing boy I've ever met and this time he's actually here to catch me. I knew that by being a good friend he would realize that I was the one he really wanted to be with. I just knew it. We talked for a long time last night about what we were thinking and what we wanted and both of us want for things to work out with us. It's such a relief to not have to hold back what I'm thinking anymore. It's been so hard just saying do what makes you happy without giving my thoughts and opinions and feelings. I could finally tell him I miss him and that I was thinking about him. He needed me to be someone steady that he could rely on but I think now that he's realized how much drama Haley is bringing to his life, he's realized that he could finally open up to me too. He stold me how much it had killed him to not be able to tell me how he felt. We're going on our picnic finally on the 16th. I'm bringing everything and he is just going to meet me at the house. It's for his birthday so I want it to be really special. It's been a nice couple days here. The sun finally came out today which was nice. I got part of my work out done early but I have to finish later. We're going out to dinner with Nana and Papa, Ben and Peg and their daughter Wendy and her husband Chris and their baby Logan. So when we get home I'll do my strength. I haven't worried about cheerleading even once in the last 24 hours and it's the best feeling in the world. All I can do this week is make sure I do my workouts and keep up with my eating. Nothing can bring me down today I am a happy happy girl :)

simply happy

Good things are happening today :) It's still rainy and gross outside anf I feel incredibly bloated and munchy and menstrual but things are still sooo good with Corey and I. We haven't talked this much in a long time and I missed it more than I realized. I had an epiphany last night while I was laying in bed thinking and worrying about a million things. So I say I'm a Catholic and I tell everyone i know who's struggling to stop worrying and let God take control. Why don't I shut the hell up and listen to my own advice. I mean a lot these people have problems bigger than what if things don't work out between corey and I and what if I'm afraid to do my handspring and what if i suck forever and what if people don't like me in college. Seriously I think the God that created the whole universe can handle these problems. Seriously. So that has been my "Rainy Day Epiphany". My workout wasn't amazing today. I did my cheer workout and like 50 handspring prep jumps but I just feel slow and heavy today. GRRR I hate being a girl.

The Magic Kingdom was so gross yesterday and we were just wet all day long. It completely sucked. We decided last night to pack up our stuff and head to Sarasota. So this morning we packed up the van and made the 2 hour drive 2 Nana and Papa's. Best idea ever. I watched Fired Up! in bed and then did my work out, took a leisurely shower and now am blogging, once again from bed. This is what Vacation is!!! Not the above picture of our soaking wet clan.

I've been talking to Corey for most of the day and from the way it sounds I think things with us are going to start moving forward again. YAY!!! He's getting me a ticket to go to X Fest, a giant rock concert in Huntington in September that he's been talking about since May. He's soo excited and I'm excited to be able to share it with him. It will definitely be different but I recognize and even really like some of the bands in the line up so I'm looking forward to it. But he's already a gentleman and will not let me pay for my ticket. Chivalry isn't dead!!!! You can still be treated like a lady!!! I knew there was hope!!!

But anyway. Things are going good. It is not a good time of the month to have this much rain and darkness but I am working with it. Other than those 2 small problems I'm feeling great. I'm getting back to one day at a time. :)