I'M HOME =] It's been a travelicious day and I am finally home. Alot has happened since I posted yesterday. And OF COURSE it has to do with J. He called me last night. In the middle of chatting away with My mom, aunt, nana. her best friend, and other good friend (this is so complicated when you are trying to avoid using names!) he called. I wasn't even expecting it. And at the time I really wasn't happy about it. But God he still makes me melt. His voice still drives me nuts. he's still where I am most comfortable. So I answered relucatantly thinking it would be a short phone call and then the world would go on as normal. OH how wrong was I!!!!
HE: Hey, I read your blog
ME: and...
HE: explains that he saw how upset I was and continued to explain that his sister set up the date and he still has to get a bunch of money to go to Alabama...basically being the old J that I started dating.
ME: reduced to a puddle
HE: What's really bothering you?
ME: sniffle sniffle
HE: silence
ME: all of it...it's just so hard
HE: you know if you wouldn't have broken up with me that night...
ME: don't...just don't
HE: you would have gotten an apology
ME: I know, but you and I both know that's not enough and this has been going on longer than just that
We continued to talk about how we both remember things and how awkward prom is going to be. I promised him a slow dance and I thought about that slow dance today on our first flight. I played it out in my head and he kissed me again. I miss that. I miss that alot. Just the simple kisses , the light and feathery ones that were like a secret being told between childhood crushes. We talked about how hard it would be to see eachother with someone else. I really didn't say much for most of it. I was a bit emotional. But long story short, I was wrong. I DO miss him. I DO wish we were back together. I also know that we would kill eachother and we would both be un happy. He would have a harder time making college decisions, I would have a harder time making decisions about my senior year. But I'm still hoping and praying he'll go to Marshall. I know that he's in love with Alabama. I'm just hoping so much that maybe when I go to college, maybe there will be some chance for us. I still want him in my future. As the J that I have always known and always loved. Before he hung up he said "love you" like I knew he was going to and I squeaked out a "you too" as best I could.
How do you know you made the right decision? How do you know? So I sat on the back lanai with all 5 of those women and cried. I cried and cried and cried. And they all listened and they all undrestood and shared their stories. All except my mom. She's the one I need right now. I need her to look me in the eye and say "Krista I love you and you are beautiful. You are enough just he way you are." I need someone I love to say that. I need to know that I am enough. So after this I went to bed. I laid in bed for a while as I fought another panic atttack (you do not want to be in my head when that happens.) It sounded something like this
-he'll forget me
-i won't forget him
-i'm going to feel like this forever
-they won't solve this problem as to why i'm gaining weight
-i'm going to break down like i did before my freshman year
-my mom is going to be so mad at me for freaking out like this
-i'm never going to be normal again
-he's going to go to college and find some gorgeous girl and fall in love with her and they will live out all the plans we made
-those dreams will never come true.
-none of my dreams will come true
...
so I slept in my nana's room. I was asleep in 10 minutes and slept til 12:15 (i've been up by 9:30 every morning). I hate being inside my own mind. It's a scary place. So I have decided to write out all of my irrational fears and how they will get fixed/aren't that bad so that I can refer to it when i flip my lid.
Our day of travel was interesting. My aunt almost had a heart attack on our first flight. We hit a bunch of turbulance and she FLIPPED! She hates any bumps and this was really bad. She shook and her eyes got big. It was a little scary. At the Atlanta airport I got and extremely mediocre turkey sandwich that I inhaled because I was STARVING! Then, on the plane I sat next to this guy named Ben. Ben is a senior in highschool and really really cute. The funny thing is, as attractive as he was and as much fun as he was to talk to, I couldn't even bring myself to think about dating him. The thought never even crossed my mind. The thoughts were more like this:
(him talking about going to college next year)
"I'm going to Miami (I went there with J when he wanted to go there (contemplates the trip and the kiss under the miami mergers tunnel)) for business. (we start talking about sports) I'm going to play intermurals (J wanted to do some intermurals) I'm thinking soccer, football (Oh football games) and maybe some that I never got to play like tennis and volleyball. Oh an broomball (We watched the guys playing brromball at the ice rink)
And that my friends is only a taste. Flirting is all well and good and it was nice to get back into it a little and realize
a. I still have the ability
b. I'm not to ugly and fat to have someone flirt with me
it was a nice boost for the 'ole ego but I swear if i thought of J one moretime today I could be considered a stalker. The random guy in the marines shirt, j has a marines shirt, it was really soft, he wore it when we first started dating and carved pumpkins with my family, choke back tears. I want my life back!!!! I walked in my room and melted. There were pictures, his clothes i have to give back, his football buttons, the bear he gave me (that I will keep forever) the necklace he gave me for my sweet 16 the day he asked me out, memories, it was all there. I wrapped myself in his sweatshirt and tried to imagine him there. I held onto that bear and cried into the top of its head.
I don't understand this. I'm stronger than this. I don't get like this. Looking at my five year old cousin who wanted to marry him hurt. Looking at my dog who adored him and he adored hurt. On the top of my laundry pile was the thong I bought at American Eagle that I got because he liked it when he went shopping with me. So my best friend G who went through the same thing last year with his girlfriend who he had to break up with for all intents and purposes is coming over tomorrow to give me some to cry to and someone to hug. So, for anyone reading this, I hope it wasn't too awkward my pouring my heart and soul out to you. For the record, I feel much better =] Thank you!
1. My nana for giving me this little medallion with a prayer on it that she had made for my papa when his mother died and for understanding
2. G for being so very empathetic
3. this girl K (not bff K) that was in my small group for the amazing e-mail she sent me after reading this
4. the airport, for exptremely average nourishment
5. S (nana's good friend) for using the platitude that everyone hates "this too shall pass" as she said "I know you'll hate me for saying this but it's so true" and it is.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Friday, March 28, 2008
put on your happy face
Me and my friend K have this thing we call our happy face. It's the face we put on when something's wrong and we don't want anyone to know. When we don't want to make an issue out of what's going on. The only other person who can really tell when I put on my happy face is K. So I woke up this morning and felt pretty good. A little tired, a little foggy without my allergy pill and my cup of coffee (I am Cruella DeVille without my coffee...I was the inspiration for her character actually.) It was going to be a great day =]. The conversation with J (ex) had gone well last night. Not nearly as awkward as I was thinking it would be. He left me a message on facebook that was really sweet. I figured we had really gotten some closure. I thought it was really nice. We could be pleasant and things would be ok. But they ended up just starting in motion a whole chain of events. Before I say anything else let me say this: DAMNED BE FACEBOOK!!!!!! I found out 2 things that kind of ruined my day:
1. He's going to alabama for sure
2. his sister found him a date for her college sorority formal.
So all of a sudden I was pissed and I was hurt and I was jealous and I jut wanted to cry. But what did I do instead? I put on that happy face and faked it. I was completely ok... ( even though I was wiping away 2 tears that had sneaked out and taking deep breaths to make my chin stop quivering...really I wasa mess) This was probably around 11:00 am. I did sooo good. There were at least 5 times I was attacked with memories, and thoughts and worries like that boxing ring analogy I used earlier. I was taking the hits and standing back up.
So as my mom was finishing our Amazon order for the ACT review book I started this conversation
Me: He's going to Alabama
She: GREAT!
Me: Lauren found him a date for her sorority formal
She: I'm sure she did!
Me: Yeah...
She: Good Riddance! FEEL THE CRIMSON ASSHOLE!!!
(can you tell he's not her favorite person.)
Me: yeah...
She: Isn't that a good thing?
Me: shrug, chin quiver
She: aww baby *Hug*
Me: tears
She: what an ass hole...you know he did it on purpose...he's showing his true colors sweetie. He's not worth your time...etc. etc.
Me: more tears...I know I know it's not just that. It's me being a girl and getting over it all...it's just hard.
She: I swear I'm going to send your dad to kick his ass.
Can you see why I love my mother??
The funny thing is after our conversation last night I was really thinking things were going to be ok. We could be friends again. I knew after talking to him we weren't going to get back together. (thinks for a second) Maybe I should tell you why we broke up in the first place. Well it's a bit complicated...things have been rough for a while. We used to be the couple that everyone thought would get married after attending the same college. In fact we had pictures taken for our 1 year anniversary and people seriously said we should use them as engagement pictures when we got engaged. We were basically your perfect couple. My friend C asked me one day "When do I get to find my Joe?" and when she started dating her noe boyfriend she said "Krista, I thinkI found myJoe." Does that put things in perspective? So over the past few months things started to go downhill and after fight after fight and a week long "break" we got back together and I thought things could be ok. But the day I got "I'll look at you however the F*&@ I want" I decided I was done. That and all of the people who had once said "You're going to get married and have a ton of babies" were saying "You really need to be done with him!" People who had taken his side in huge fights we'd had were saying "Krista, you really need to leave him." and "You really can do so much better." So I did. I told him we were done and that was that. At least for the first couple of days. And after that it was lots of tears and sad songs. And since then it's been rough as you can see in my last few posts. But today it snowballed into
- he's going to find someone else and i'll be alone for the rest of my life! (later humored myself by saying yeah but she'll be ugly as all get out)
- I'm going to fail the ACT!
- I'm going to remember him too much
- I'm going to fail all my classes this quarter
- everyone's going to ask about the break up at practice
- i'll be cryign at practice and then they'll really make a big deal out of it
- i'm going to be an old frigid single woman with 50 cats!
- I'm not going to have a date for prom
- I'm going to gain a ton of weight and I won't fit into any of my clothes!
and so on and so forth
Well that is over. At some point after I went back to "make friends with the powder brush" and ended up crying hysterically over the sink I thought about how much time I could waste by crying over someone who really didn't deserve me in the first place and how much time I could enjoy in the sun before we leave tomorrow. So I dried my eyes and put my bathing suit on and laid out all afternoon. I feel so much better. But I have learned that the happy face is not always best. sometimes you just need to cry. The saddest thing about all of this is that I don't know who he is anymore. I knew him inside out. I could read him like a bookand now he is a perfect stranger. Someone I don't necessarily want to know. Will I cry again before it's all said and done? Probably but it will not be because I want him back. It will be because of the memories. It still hurts a little but not nearly as bad. He can go to college in Alaska for all I care. I'm tired of having my emotions messed with. I'm done missing him. So when I smile, it will be for real.
1. coffee
2. my mom
3. texting
4. tissues
5. the strength we don't know we have until we use it.
1. He's going to alabama for sure
2. his sister found him a date for her college sorority formal.
So all of a sudden I was pissed and I was hurt and I was jealous and I jut wanted to cry. But what did I do instead? I put on that happy face and faked it. I was completely ok... ( even though I was wiping away 2 tears that had sneaked out and taking deep breaths to make my chin stop quivering...really I wasa mess) This was probably around 11:00 am. I did sooo good. There were at least 5 times I was attacked with memories, and thoughts and worries like that boxing ring analogy I used earlier. I was taking the hits and standing back up.
So as my mom was finishing our Amazon order for the ACT review book I started this conversation
Me: He's going to Alabama
She: GREAT!
Me: Lauren found him a date for her sorority formal
She: I'm sure she did!
Me: Yeah...
She: Good Riddance! FEEL THE CRIMSON ASSHOLE!!!
(can you tell he's not her favorite person.)
Me: yeah...
She: Isn't that a good thing?
Me: shrug, chin quiver
She: aww baby *Hug*
Me: tears
She: what an ass hole...you know he did it on purpose...he's showing his true colors sweetie. He's not worth your time...etc. etc.
Me: more tears...I know I know it's not just that. It's me being a girl and getting over it all...it's just hard.
She: I swear I'm going to send your dad to kick his ass.
Can you see why I love my mother??
The funny thing is after our conversation last night I was really thinking things were going to be ok. We could be friends again. I knew after talking to him we weren't going to get back together. (thinks for a second) Maybe I should tell you why we broke up in the first place. Well it's a bit complicated...things have been rough for a while. We used to be the couple that everyone thought would get married after attending the same college. In fact we had pictures taken for our 1 year anniversary and people seriously said we should use them as engagement pictures when we got engaged. We were basically your perfect couple. My friend C asked me one day "When do I get to find my Joe?" and when she started dating her noe boyfriend she said "Krista, I thinkI found myJoe." Does that put things in perspective? So over the past few months things started to go downhill and after fight after fight and a week long "break" we got back together and I thought things could be ok. But the day I got "I'll look at you however the F*&@ I want" I decided I was done. That and all of the people who had once said "You're going to get married and have a ton of babies" were saying "You really need to be done with him!" People who had taken his side in huge fights we'd had were saying "Krista, you really need to leave him." and "You really can do so much better." So I did. I told him we were done and that was that. At least for the first couple of days. And after that it was lots of tears and sad songs. And since then it's been rough as you can see in my last few posts. But today it snowballed into
- he's going to find someone else and i'll be alone for the rest of my life! (later humored myself by saying yeah but she'll be ugly as all get out)
- I'm going to fail the ACT!
- I'm going to remember him too much
- I'm going to fail all my classes this quarter
- everyone's going to ask about the break up at practice
- i'll be cryign at practice and then they'll really make a big deal out of it
- i'm going to be an old frigid single woman with 50 cats!
- I'm not going to have a date for prom
- I'm going to gain a ton of weight and I won't fit into any of my clothes!
and so on and so forth
Well that is over. At some point after I went back to "make friends with the powder brush" and ended up crying hysterically over the sink I thought about how much time I could waste by crying over someone who really didn't deserve me in the first place and how much time I could enjoy in the sun before we leave tomorrow. So I dried my eyes and put my bathing suit on and laid out all afternoon. I feel so much better. But I have learned that the happy face is not always best. sometimes you just need to cry. The saddest thing about all of this is that I don't know who he is anymore. I knew him inside out. I could read him like a bookand now he is a perfect stranger. Someone I don't necessarily want to know. Will I cry again before it's all said and done? Probably but it will not be because I want him back. It will be because of the memories. It still hurts a little but not nearly as bad. He can go to college in Alaska for all I care. I'm tired of having my emotions messed with. I'm done missing him. So when I smile, it will be for real.
1. coffee
2. my mom
3. texting
4. tissues
5. the strength we don't know we have until we use it.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
all for one
You know I'm beginning to love this blogging thing more and more ever day. For the longest time I was fighting my battles in my head. There was so much going on up there that every time I couldn't take it anymore I would just blurt something random out to my mom and she would just try to pick up the pieces as best she could. She has worked so hard to help me. She has tried so hard to be my rock. But there is also my brother and sister and my dad and her other 9 children (the cheer team we coach together.) Needless to say, it is very difficult for her to come running to my rescue every time something goes wrong. Many times instead of just realizing that she is doing her best I have let my own selfishness take over and I start thinking, "Why aren't you worried about ME? Why aren't you devoting all of your attention to ME?" The truth is she probably worries about me more than I realize. She is so strong for me when I need her and I don't know what I would do without her.
What I really wanted to write about today was the fact that not a whole lot of people have read this yet. When I started I thought "I want to be one of those blogs that people subscribe to and read daily. The one that gets comments like 'you go girl!' and 'you mhelp me make it through the day.'" But truth be told, maybe I'm not ready for that. Maybe it's more important that I get my thoughts out on paper/internet page. Maybe it's more important that I fight this battle in my head. It's more important to release my thoughts and take it day by day. Fighting my battle against the fear that I will never be good enought to cheer in college. My battle against my weight that turned into an obsession. So today, I believe I am winning my battle. By doing some strength work this morning pilates stlye with weights, by donning the vute yoga pants and the tank top that curves every part of my imperfect mid section. Even when I looked in the outside window and saw my reflection and thought "Oh my god, your core is so not tight...girl you need to lose that!" and wanted to change my top, I still wore it. I did not hide. I won by making very careful decisions as to what to eat.
On another topic, the ex. He's calling me tonight. He's on his way home from a visit to the University of Alabama. It's funny. When J (rest of name ommitted) first thought about going there next year (he's a senior I'm a junior) I was terrified and got really upset whenever I thought about it. But as the year has progressed he thought about going to Marshall with me. He knew I would never change my mind. I've wanted to go there since I was little. So he started seriously looking into it, after he looked at Miami of Ohio, Baldwin Wallace, and Alabama. He even has a Marshall lanyard and I love him for it. He would never admit it, but everyone knows the only reason he even started to think about looking at Marshall. But lately it had really become an issue between us. He kept changing is mind. We made all these plans about next year and college together. But all of a sudden he started thinking heavily about Alabama again. A 12 hour drive from where we live. And even though we're not together he's been one of my best friends for over 2 years now. There are so many things we've shared. We had our future all planned out and all of our friends swore we were bound to be high school sweet hearts. He was the football player and I was his cheerleader. He was Prince Charming and I was his Princess. He was my conquering hero and I was his damsel. He was my everything and I was his. I'm really glad he's calling tonight but at the same time I'm really anxious. I miss talking to him but I'm afraid of it being terrible awkward small talk betweent 2 broken hearted people. But regardless, I am awaiting his call.
1. the most beautiful weather since we got here
2. grapes =]
3. sun tan lotion
4. sunglasses
5. J for calling
What I really wanted to write about today was the fact that not a whole lot of people have read this yet. When I started I thought "I want to be one of those blogs that people subscribe to and read daily. The one that gets comments like 'you go girl!' and 'you mhelp me make it through the day.'" But truth be told, maybe I'm not ready for that. Maybe it's more important that I get my thoughts out on paper/internet page. Maybe it's more important that I fight this battle in my head. It's more important to release my thoughts and take it day by day. Fighting my battle against the fear that I will never be good enought to cheer in college. My battle against my weight that turned into an obsession. So today, I believe I am winning my battle. By doing some strength work this morning pilates stlye with weights, by donning the vute yoga pants and the tank top that curves every part of my imperfect mid section. Even when I looked in the outside window and saw my reflection and thought "Oh my god, your core is so not tight...girl you need to lose that!" and wanted to change my top, I still wore it. I did not hide. I won by making very careful decisions as to what to eat.
On another topic, the ex. He's calling me tonight. He's on his way home from a visit to the University of Alabama. It's funny. When J (rest of name ommitted) first thought about going there next year (he's a senior I'm a junior) I was terrified and got really upset whenever I thought about it. But as the year has progressed he thought about going to Marshall with me. He knew I would never change my mind. I've wanted to go there since I was little. So he started seriously looking into it, after he looked at Miami of Ohio, Baldwin Wallace, and Alabama. He even has a Marshall lanyard and I love him for it. He would never admit it, but everyone knows the only reason he even started to think about looking at Marshall. But lately it had really become an issue between us. He kept changing is mind. We made all these plans about next year and college together. But all of a sudden he started thinking heavily about Alabama again. A 12 hour drive from where we live. And even though we're not together he's been one of my best friends for over 2 years now. There are so many things we've shared. We had our future all planned out and all of our friends swore we were bound to be high school sweet hearts. He was the football player and I was his cheerleader. He was Prince Charming and I was his Princess. He was my conquering hero and I was his damsel. He was my everything and I was his. I'm really glad he's calling tonight but at the same time I'm really anxious. I miss talking to him but I'm afraid of it being terrible awkward small talk betweent 2 broken hearted people. But regardless, I am awaiting his call.
1. the most beautiful weather since we got here
2. grapes =]
3. sun tan lotion
4. sunglasses
5. J for calling
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
You left a hole where my heart should be...
Have you ever felt like you are on the brink of something. This feeling that you're on the edge and all you have to do is jump. Just let your toes slip off the edge. Close your eyes and let go. And something wonderful will happen. You have no idea what to expect, no idea what is going to happen but you know something is coming. Like that song that Tony sings in West Side Story before the dance when he meets Maria.
I woke up this morning and this feeling hits me heavier and harder like it has every single day. it's like being in a boxing tournament and after countless victories you hit a series of boxers you can't beat. Punch after punch, they're taking it all out of you.
It's funny. My best Friend K (I'll keep the rest of her name secret) and I both agreed on this feeling. It's driving me crazy. I've never felt like this before and I don't think there's a name for it. So I will do my best to describe it
A first love feeling
A don't let me go I can't do this without you feeling
A that's my best friend walking away feeling
A God I just wish you would hold me feeling
An I want your hand in mine feeling
An I want to feel my body fit perfectly into your arms feeling
An I want you to take me where I've never wanted to go with anyone else feeling
A please don't leave me here alone feeling
An empty feeling
A sharp pain in my heart feeling
A tears just behind my eyes feeling
A can't get you out of my thoughts feeling
An I can imagine your touch feeling
A Why can't we start over feeling
An I dream about your face feeling
An If I close my eyes I can feel you feeling
A longing for that kiss feeling
An all of my defenses are down feeling
A You and Me feeling but you're not here feeling
A hold me and tell me you love me and you'll never hurt me again feeling
An "I'll never let you go again." is all i want to hear feeling
An I miss your face feeling
An I love you feeling.
A real feeling
I've only ever broken up with one other person and when I broke up with him I was already over him for the guy I was just recently dating for a year and a half. This is so different. He's my best friend. It was so different.
Luckily I could really unwind in the kitchen today. I made dinner. BAcon wrapped scallops and grilled shrimp with a lemon drizzle and basil chifonaud. Grilled asparagus lightly seasoned, baked potatoes and sliced tomoatoes. I love to cook and it really gave me some time of clear headedness. Other than that, I have spent the entire day completely wrapped up in my thoughts. I have never missed someone like this never wanted to see his face or hear his voice so much. There are countless moments I would re-live if i could. the kind that take your breath away. But if I really think about it, there were no regrets. Noting I wuold have taken back. But if I could do it all over again, I would. Without a second thought. Even the pain. Every single moment was worth this hurt.
But still I am blessed:
1. people to cook for
2. a best friend to share my weaknesses with
3. a good book
4. the weather
5. sad songs.
I woke up this morning and this feeling hits me heavier and harder like it has every single day. it's like being in a boxing tournament and after countless victories you hit a series of boxers you can't beat. Punch after punch, they're taking it all out of you.
It's funny. My best Friend K (I'll keep the rest of her name secret) and I both agreed on this feeling. It's driving me crazy. I've never felt like this before and I don't think there's a name for it. So I will do my best to describe it
A first love feeling
A don't let me go I can't do this without you feeling
A that's my best friend walking away feeling
A God I just wish you would hold me feeling
An I want your hand in mine feeling
An I want to feel my body fit perfectly into your arms feeling
An I want you to take me where I've never wanted to go with anyone else feeling
A please don't leave me here alone feeling
An empty feeling
A sharp pain in my heart feeling
A tears just behind my eyes feeling
A can't get you out of my thoughts feeling
An I can imagine your touch feeling
A Why can't we start over feeling
An I dream about your face feeling
An If I close my eyes I can feel you feeling
A longing for that kiss feeling
An all of my defenses are down feeling
A You and Me feeling but you're not here feeling
A hold me and tell me you love me and you'll never hurt me again feeling
An "I'll never let you go again." is all i want to hear feeling
An I miss your face feeling
An I love you feeling.
A real feeling
I've only ever broken up with one other person and when I broke up with him I was already over him for the guy I was just recently dating for a year and a half. This is so different. He's my best friend. It was so different.
Luckily I could really unwind in the kitchen today. I made dinner. BAcon wrapped scallops and grilled shrimp with a lemon drizzle and basil chifonaud. Grilled asparagus lightly seasoned, baked potatoes and sliced tomoatoes. I love to cook and it really gave me some time of clear headedness. Other than that, I have spent the entire day completely wrapped up in my thoughts. I have never missed someone like this never wanted to see his face or hear his voice so much. There are countless moments I would re-live if i could. the kind that take your breath away. But if I really think about it, there were no regrets. Noting I wuold have taken back. But if I could do it all over again, I would. Without a second thought. Even the pain. Every single moment was worth this hurt.
But still I am blessed:
1. people to cook for
2. a best friend to share my weaknesses with
3. a good book
4. the weather
5. sad songs.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
the prom dress sent from God
SO today the 5 of us women ventured out into the world. The only other time we have even put on make up was to go to mass on Easter. Maybe that will help put into perspective the kind of secluded vacation this is. Anyway, we all got dressed up to go to lunch and do some shopping. The PERFECT oppurtunity to check off number 1 on my list. And boy did I ever! I found 3 great pairs of yoga pants a track jacket and a bunch of tank tops. Most importantly, (drum roll please) I found my prom dress...There it was, just hanging along side plenty of other black and white dresses. There was nothing about it that was particularly special. It had no rays of shining light coming forth from it while angels sang. But I put it on and it fit like a dream. a strapless, knee length bubble dress with a funky little pattern. Great silver shoes and a silver wrap. MY GOD! I felt like a rockstar. I just knew that there was someone in heaven looking at God and saying "OK. It's a girl thing so I don't expect you to understand but this girl NEEDS you to put things in front of her that will fit just right." and he did. It was a lovely day and I really got a nice little confidence boost. But after spending 5 days on your ass, a good run/condition session plus an entire afternoon of shopping (we're not talking browsing window shopping...I mean cut throat-super model speed try on-all out- every man, woman child for themselves- serious shopping) I'm a little worn out. So it looks like take out and a good book for me tonight. But it's been a ful day and I have much to be thankful for
1. post run endorhpins
2. soma yoga pants
3. anything that labeled "small" that fits my size 10 ass.
4. my prom dress
5. my fab 5
1. post run endorhpins
2. soma yoga pants
3. anything that labeled "small" that fits my size 10 ass.
4. my prom dress
5. my fab 5
Monday, March 24, 2008
It takes a village
Well, today I have to apologize to 5 women. The four that I am on vacation with and my best friend. These 5 women have spent the past week mending the broken hear of their daughter, niece, grand daughter, best friend. They have been so amazingly patient with me as I mope around in the fog of my own mind (it's scary in there let me tell you.)
Have you ever seen that movie with Reese Witherspoon where she dies and her ghost is sent back? That's kind of what I've been like for the past week. I can look in the mirror and see myself but it's not me. You see, the real me is perky (yeah, annoying cheerleader perky...), confident, funny, witty, and pretty damn cute ( i may be a little biased). But the girl that I'm seeing in the mirror is lacking energy, self esteem, sense of humor, and she's walking around in nothing but sweats to hide in. WHERE DID I GO????? My nana asked me "What can you do right now to make yourself feel better?" So I thought about it and this is what I havesome up with.
1. find a great, flattering outfit that I feel like a rockstar in (all I packed was shorts and t-shirts to wear)
2. Spend an entire afternoon laying out in the sun with a book and my iPod
3. Spend an evening cooking a meal for these lovely women who have been so patient with me
4. go out one night =]
5. flirt with someone! (haven't done that in a while)
6. smile a little more.
So this blog is dedicated to my fab 5.
Thank you for being my shoulders to cry on. God knows there's been enough tears to go around. =]
On another note, it's a beautiful day in florida, a little cool for my liking but the sun is out and the whole scene from the back porch is picturesque. I think God had something special in mid when he painted the sky so bright this morning. His little girl could use somethine bright today
My list of blessings for the day:
1. my fab 5
2. sushi
3. the sunshine
4. my nana's wise advice (she seems to know just how to make you think when you don't want to think and talk about things you wouldn't normally just spill.)
5. sweatshirts
Have you ever seen that movie with Reese Witherspoon where she dies and her ghost is sent back? That's kind of what I've been like for the past week. I can look in the mirror and see myself but it's not me. You see, the real me is perky (yeah, annoying cheerleader perky...), confident, funny, witty, and pretty damn cute ( i may be a little biased). But the girl that I'm seeing in the mirror is lacking energy, self esteem, sense of humor, and she's walking around in nothing but sweats to hide in. WHERE DID I GO????? My nana asked me "What can you do right now to make yourself feel better?" So I thought about it and this is what I havesome up with.
1. find a great, flattering outfit that I feel like a rockstar in (all I packed was shorts and t-shirts to wear)
2. Spend an entire afternoon laying out in the sun with a book and my iPod
3. Spend an evening cooking a meal for these lovely women who have been so patient with me
4. go out one night =]
5. flirt with someone! (haven't done that in a while)
6. smile a little more.
So this blog is dedicated to my fab 5.
Thank you for being my shoulders to cry on. God knows there's been enough tears to go around. =]
On another note, it's a beautiful day in florida, a little cool for my liking but the sun is out and the whole scene from the back porch is picturesque. I think God had something special in mid when he painted the sky so bright this morning. His little girl could use somethine bright today
My list of blessings for the day:
1. my fab 5
2. sushi
3. the sunshine
4. my nana's wise advice (she seems to know just how to make you think when you don't want to think and talk about things you wouldn't normally just spill.)
5. sweatshirts
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Laziness is a bitch and a blessing
It's Spring Break and I'm on vacation in the Florida sunshine. This vacation isn't your average vacation however. It is five women, living in a house for 10 days. In all of our un made up, menstrual, moody, chocolate loving, mah-jongg playing, book reading glory. Doesn't it sound like something straigh out of a reality T.V nightmare?
Here we are, my mother, my aunt, my nana, her best friend, and myself. I am the baby in this odd group of sisters. This time is a time of tradtions in the family. 10 days every spring and this is my first year. A right of passage if you will. Today is day 3 and I have learned a valuable lesson. Laziness is a bitch and a blessing. I started (and finshed) the book "Atonement" yesterday. (Not my favorite by far.) In that way it's a blessing. It is also a blessing for this teenage girl who lives in her car, between, school, home, cheerleading (previously) her boyfriend's house, and her friends, when my most important decision of the day is "What pair of sweat pants will make my ass look smallest?" Laziness is a bitch in that after breaking up with my boyfriend of a year and a half, I have a lot of time to think. A lot of time to remember and cry. I also have a lot of time to eat. Luckily nothing too terrible like and entire bag of oreos or the enitre pan of fudge brownies...not that it hasn't been tempting. (can you tell I'm menstrual and a little emotionally messed up right now?) But most entertainingly (for me anyway) it's a bitch because at somepoint laziness leads to doing something stupid. (not that i need to be lazy to do or say something stupid as you will find out) Such as the following. With my allergies making their presence known more and more, I decided to move away from the area of the back porch plagued by toxic cigarette smoke to a lovely little corner with a lounge chair and fressh airs (if you don't count the millions of pollen particles driving my nose to become a KITCHEN FAUCET!). Realizing, after I sat down, that it wasn't reclined as far as I would like, I simply turned around to adjust the back accordingly. Now if I hadn't been feeling so relaxed and lazy, I could have stood up and done it easily and safely with both of my hands but instead I sent the chair back crashing down onto my right hand. After yelling some obscenity that I can't remember across the deck, I tried to be the tough girl I am at cheer practice and not cry, which didn't last long. (you'd cry too if you dropped a chir back on your hand, were on your period and had just broken up with someone, and 4 of the women who raised you were looking at you in shock/worry) Although it's nothing like getting a shiner on the competition warm up mat, not 10 minutes before your performance, it still hurt like bloody hell. Well, I have learned my lesson for the day. You can only be so lazy before something bad happens.
I have always been told. "you're a lucky girl, you should count your blessings every day." I happen to think that this statement contradicts it self. By definiton, luck is "a combination of circumstances, events, etc., operating by chance to bring good or ill to a person" (dictionary.com) but a blessing is "a favor or gift bestowed by God, thereby bringing happiness." I believe that the people in my life have worked hard for what they have and have always followed Christian ideals to accomplish what they have accomplished. So in that respect, I do not believe that I am lucky. I am blessed. Blessed with a great family, successful grand parents who are very generous and loving parents who put my needs before their own. I have never been denied anything that I needed and my family has aklways loved me, stood by me, and believed in me. I am blessed to have a loving family. I am blessed that God put me in the family that he did. The moral to my story is simple. I want to share my blessings with you so that you too can realize the good in life and be thankful for it daily. At the end of each blog will be a simple list of 5 blessings (in no particular increasing or decreasning order)
1. Ice packs (for my lazy hand)
2. the 4 women i am with (for being my strength through my struggles)
3. Easter candy (especially Robin's eggs and dark and peanut m&ms)
4. a beautiful day (minus the pollen)
5. sweatpants (there's nothing better when you're menstrual)
Here we are, my mother, my aunt, my nana, her best friend, and myself. I am the baby in this odd group of sisters. This time is a time of tradtions in the family. 10 days every spring and this is my first year. A right of passage if you will. Today is day 3 and I have learned a valuable lesson. Laziness is a bitch and a blessing. I started (and finshed) the book "Atonement" yesterday. (Not my favorite by far.) In that way it's a blessing. It is also a blessing for this teenage girl who lives in her car, between, school, home, cheerleading (previously) her boyfriend's house, and her friends, when my most important decision of the day is "What pair of sweat pants will make my ass look smallest?" Laziness is a bitch in that after breaking up with my boyfriend of a year and a half, I have a lot of time to think. A lot of time to remember and cry. I also have a lot of time to eat. Luckily nothing too terrible like and entire bag of oreos or the enitre pan of fudge brownies...not that it hasn't been tempting. (can you tell I'm menstrual and a little emotionally messed up right now?) But most entertainingly (for me anyway) it's a bitch because at somepoint laziness leads to doing something stupid. (not that i need to be lazy to do or say something stupid as you will find out) Such as the following. With my allergies making their presence known more and more, I decided to move away from the area of the back porch plagued by toxic cigarette smoke to a lovely little corner with a lounge chair and fressh airs (if you don't count the millions of pollen particles driving my nose to become a KITCHEN FAUCET!). Realizing, after I sat down, that it wasn't reclined as far as I would like, I simply turned around to adjust the back accordingly. Now if I hadn't been feeling so relaxed and lazy, I could have stood up and done it easily and safely with both of my hands but instead I sent the chair back crashing down onto my right hand. After yelling some obscenity that I can't remember across the deck, I tried to be the tough girl I am at cheer practice and not cry, which didn't last long. (you'd cry too if you dropped a chir back on your hand, were on your period and had just broken up with someone, and 4 of the women who raised you were looking at you in shock/worry) Although it's nothing like getting a shiner on the competition warm up mat, not 10 minutes before your performance, it still hurt like bloody hell. Well, I have learned my lesson for the day. You can only be so lazy before something bad happens.
I have always been told. "you're a lucky girl, you should count your blessings every day." I happen to think that this statement contradicts it self. By definiton, luck is "a combination of circumstances, events, etc., operating by chance to bring good or ill to a person" (dictionary.com) but a blessing is "a favor or gift bestowed by God, thereby bringing happiness." I believe that the people in my life have worked hard for what they have and have always followed Christian ideals to accomplish what they have accomplished. So in that respect, I do not believe that I am lucky. I am blessed. Blessed with a great family, successful grand parents who are very generous and loving parents who put my needs before their own. I have never been denied anything that I needed and my family has aklways loved me, stood by me, and believed in me. I am blessed to have a loving family. I am blessed that God put me in the family that he did. The moral to my story is simple. I want to share my blessings with you so that you too can realize the good in life and be thankful for it daily. At the end of each blog will be a simple list of 5 blessings (in no particular increasing or decreasning order)
1. Ice packs (for my lazy hand)
2. the 4 women i am with (for being my strength through my struggles)
3. Easter candy (especially Robin's eggs and dark and peanut m&ms)
4. a beautiful day (minus the pollen)
5. sweatpants (there's nothing better when you're menstrual)
Let me introduce myself.
So maybe this blog sounds completely lame and unrelatable. Maybe so. But here's my story. I grew up dreaming to cheer in college. Not just any college. Marshall University (have you seen "We Are...Marshall" ? That would be the one). I'm sure your next question is where it is. Huntington West Virginia my friends, right across the shining Ohio River. I've also always dreamed of growing up, falling in love with Prince Charming and raisning a good Catholic family. My nana (who inspired me to start this blog) made me realize I want to own my own business someday. What better business for a cheerleader to run than a CHEER GYM!! Imagine that. As if there aren't enough of us already yo ucan bet there will be more. Have no fear for I refuse to have 4 year olds walking around in crop tops. So these are my dreams America. This is my life. Being a 17 year old girl who knows exactly what she wants in life but not knowing exactly how she's going to get it, isn't easy.
In the Catholic church, Easter is a day for rejoicing, the day that Jesus rose from the dead. So what better time to start this diary of sorts of my life, my journey to achieve my dreams. My Nana always told me "Krista, you should be a writer." I've never completely listened to her and always doubted my writing. But when she said it for the 1million and 1st time yesterday, I decided maybe she was right. Well here it is. Like it or not. This is my story.
In the Catholic church, Easter is a day for rejoicing, the day that Jesus rose from the dead. So what better time to start this diary of sorts of my life, my journey to achieve my dreams. My Nana always told me "Krista, you should be a writer." I've never completely listened to her and always doubted my writing. But when she said it for the 1million and 1st time yesterday, I decided maybe she was right. Well here it is. Like it or not. This is my story.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)